Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

i hate him i hate him i hate him

he has been nothing but a curse on this house and i don't care if he fucking knows it. it won't matter to him, he has no personal responsibility. he's an ignorant fuck. and a disease. i hate him. i don't want him over here anymore. i put up with it the other night because i wanted something. i don't want it anymore and i'm back to stabby mode. he pushed that bitch on us and her bugs when he knew she had them. he can't just be miserable with his own pathetic life, he has to infect everyone he meets with misery.

the only way he would do us the favor the other night is if he thought we were just as miserable as he and J. he came over here feeling sorry for me. I DON'T NEED HIS FUCKING PITY. the only thing wrong with my life right now is something that he caused. and he just laughs about it. fucker. i hope he is miserable and i can't wait until he has to pay for his DUIs and gets thrown in jail. out of sisterhood, i wouldn't want to wish that on J, but she stays with him, mea culpa. fuck them both.

and this stretches over into doc. right now i'm just as furious with him, but for other reasons. he put something in the alcohol that i was spraying the house down with and i'm having a massive asthma attack from it. and it bleached out my mattress. i could fucking kill him right now. why does he have to fuck with everything? and he left the meat wrapper in the garbage, which is a no-no. this morning i got up to a huge mess made by Leia and the dog, who now have untold amounts of cotton in their stomachs waiting to block their intestines.

why can't everyone just leave me alone? why do people have to want something from me? why do i have to give it to them? the only person i owe anything to is doc.

i've been having horrific dreams about my past. stuff i thought was long forgotten is coming up with such fierceness, i can't put it down.

i woke up to a bug on my shoulder this morning at 4, i've never been so happy to see a spider on me. i killed it anyway. it was invading my space.

maybe some music will make me feel better and calm down. there is nothing i can do with my rage except sit here, impotent.

and B will read the first two lines of this and laugh because schatenfreud (i know i butchered that one), and he will have no idea i am talking about him. it won't even occur to him that he is the subject of my rage, because he is responsible for nothing. everything is everyone else's fault. a 14 year old boy with no empathy, a persecution complex and a superiority issue.

some people don't deserve the air they breathe.

some day i'm going to snap. don't anyone say it came as a surprise when they find the disappeared in my basement, dismembered. i have a list. and someday i may have the means. i will rain down terror on everyone who ever hurt me. and that is going to take a long long time.
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