i'm listening to Linkin Park's "Bleed it Out" over and over again. i just feel that way today.
i had a dream about "him" . . . carter. there's a name we haven't heard in years. yes, i still carry a torch for this loser. i can't explain it. i don't know what it is about him. he's not attractive inside or out. he is, in fact, a troll, inside and out. not an internet troll-troll . . . more of an under-the-bridge troll. i had a dream that leaves me feeling as if i'm going to see him soon. kind of hard, i don't go out. though i was going to ask doc to take me to an open mic night friday downtown. i may just forget about that. downtown is where the troll lives now.
this has set me into a bad mood today. i will not take it out on doc. nor will i tell him about it. the poem i just posted kind of says why.
on to other things. i've been able to sleep at small stretches at a time. not too much REM sleep, but i'm okay with that. dreams just cause me trouble. my mood has been good. day four of no pot. as of today we can get more, but we have no source. we hear in the new year, up to 100 dispensaries are trying to open here. now all i have to do is get enough money together to illegally buy a half pound for the privilege of being able to legally obtain it. with no real way to legally obtain it. story of my life.
i'm feeling pretty hopeless today. it's that stupid dream, it's that stupid man. everything he made me feel is at the surface. all the confusion and grief and frustration.
try to get my shit pulled together for doc to get home. he's bringing bagels home today. fresh, delicious bagels. not those supermarket abominations that pass for bagels. this is a rare treat for me. only the fourth time i've had a real bagel in the past 13 years. and i used to work at a bagel bakery/bistro. i used to live on the things.
i can't write. i am just too overwhelmed by my feelings.