Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

and i just don't find reading in the shower that relaxing

i think i'm doing pretty well. aside from a couple of moments, i have managed to be nice for the past two days. this whole thing with sobriety may have something. i have the worst writer's block, though. but i plan to work through it, i'm relatively sure most of it stems from fear of not being creative when i'm sober, instead of a real creative block.

i finally finished re-reading "Blackwood Farm". i remembered the beginning, and ending, but everything in the middle was as if new. it took me so long to finish because i wasn't taking baths there for a while, i was taking showers. and i just don't find reading in the shower that relaxing. but the cold weather brought back my baths. i think i'm going to read Brautigan's "The Abortion" next. i still haven't unpacked my books, so i don't have any more Anne Rice to muddy up my brain with tales of the supernatural. time for a bit of realism. and i'm hoping reading Brautigan with inspire my writing.

the one thing i would complain about: i can't sleep more than a few minutes. i just can't seem to get to the deep sleep stage. and when i do, it seems i go directly to REM sleep, and have short, really fucked up dreams. mostly about my mom. it must be that time of year. i get all nostalgic. i don't know why. my memories from the last 15 years mean more to me than any childhood attachments. this year i'm really going over the top. i think i may even get him stocking stuffers. he hates the holidays. i asked him why he can't just make them his own and throw off the years of family obligation that came with this time of year. he didn't answer. so i guess he's thinking about it.

i finally got a brush. and what a brush! i brushed out my poor tangled hair with ease and no tears. i'm so glad i didn't do it with the comb. that would have been needless pain. so i got my hair washed and straightened. i need a hair cut. the ends are split and hideous. it's beginning to look like straw. so a trim is in order. hopefully soon.

i made a page on Facebook for myself . . . a huge amount of ego was involved. up until last night, the only people who "Liked" the page were my friends. all of a sudden, last night, really late by my time, i started getting "Likes" on that page. i have fans! okay, a couple. I'm noticing i tend to be popular with Arab men. I'm not sure what this means. it confuses me. i'm not exactly the paradigm of Arab Womanhood. but i'll take it. so i'm riding high on a cloud of inflated self esteem. takes the sting out of my realization that my site is getting less and less popular and i can't figure out why. i haven't changed anything, aside from adding a link here or there or changing the cover picture. though i do know one of my top referrers is an Arabic search engine. i have no idea what the searches are for that are leading people to my site, i wish i did. i just can't read Arabic.

just one of those weird things.

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