"when i cry out
no one ever listens
they tiptoe in when
the damage is done
and prepare their speech
that's what people do
when i cry out
for help" 4/15/01
"they did the ECT on the wrong side of my head. this is according to my psychiatrist/neurologist. isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? i can't help but laugh when i think of it. because if i don't laugh, i will freak the fuck out about it. so raise a toast and have a giggle with me." 7/16/06
" i can't believe i'm 37. i can't believe i made it this far. i have my eyes set on 40 now. so the doctors have to make me better for at least three years more." 5/19/06
"so that was the conversation that made doc consider a xanax before he left for work. i really shouldn't do that to him. he does everything he can and then he does more. i am so thankful to have him in my life. he is the kindest person i've ever met, and the most patient. i can't say enough about him, i just can't. i know he will do whatever is in my best interest. i completely trust him. that is special." 5/21/06
"god i need to get a grip and i don't know what to grab hold of." 6/14/06
hours later . . .
forgot to post that. oh well. addendum.
the living room is trashed. i moved all the furniture to spray and vacuum the loveseat and didn't bother putting it back. the other laptop is in the middle of the floor, with its new keyboard and mouse hooked up but i can't get it to boot from the DVD drive. i've followed all the online instructions and i can't get it to work. i'll play with it later, when i'm calmer. i've been really upset most of the day.
reading those past entries was not a way to make me feel good. i've been in a depressed rage since. but it has to be done, i have to know what i've forgotten. like, they did the ECT on the wrong side of my head. i had forgotten that. but it was there in the entries and it all came back to me, the conversation with Dr. C, who seemed to be holding back from saying "i told you so", all of it. bitterness.
then the laptop didn't put me in a better mood. i hadn't opened it since it came back. we had given it to B. he broke it and was going to get rid of it. doc kept it because i wanted the stickers on the cover of it. it was only just with the latest round of computers dying on me that i thought of using it. and i'm just amazed at how much damage was done to it in such a short time. keys are missing, not just not working. and the computer boots up beeping. as if a key has been depressed for too long. i have to hit a mouse button to get it to stop. what the fuck kind of animal is B? to treat a piece of technology like that . . . there is just no excuse. so that put me into a bad mood. and i'm thinking that this depressed key thing may be what is keeping me from getting into the bios and booting up from the DVD drive.
the good news is, the keyboard and mouse work wonderfully. they are logitech, so they should. doc spent under $20 for them.
speaking of money, he has offered to pay for dry cleaning of my stuffed animals that can't be washed because of electronics in them. to him it's better than me going over and getting all stabby on B. dry cleaning = cheaper than bail.
i think i want to go to sleep. it means i will be up all night again, but i've had a hot bath and i'm tired. doc went to sleep early. so he's already out. i think i will lay down for a while.