Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

people don't want to be helped, they want to be enabled

i've been trying to help someone in my passive aggressive way . . . and i've realized they don't want help. they are blissful in their ignorance and i'm just pushing ugly reality into their life. and i don't want to do that. not anymore. i'm done trying to help people. i'm done saying "yes". i'm not going to do it anymore. what matters in life is me, doc and the animals. no one else is really worth my time. and putting time into people just gets me frustration and rejection. i'm not up for it anymore. people don't want to be helped. they want to be enabled. and i'm done enabling.

i've been embroiled in thoughts of how my life would be different if i hadn't acquiesced to certain things. like Syzane. if i hadn't let her stay here, how would things be different? unfortunately they would be worse. the rift between doc and i closed with her time here. having a common enemy to fight brought us closer together. she brought me out of my shell. but that is where the good ends. and i've been ranting and raving about all the bad. i'm over it. nothing to be done but fix the damage and hope for the best.

it occurred to me today that 6 black cats is a lot. i didn't realize my adopting had gotten so out of hand. i have a black cat sanctuary here. we were in the kitchen today and all 6 of them were gathered in there with us. looking down at them, i was a bit overwhelmed, until i started picking out identifying characteristics of each one and realized i could recognize them without the collars.

i'm really happy with my family. my cats and my dog and my doc. i'm glad that woman from the dating site eventually blew me off, i really don't want to change what i have with some stranger right now. and the whole hiding and lying that goes on with a new friendship/relationship is more than i want to deal with. and sex is OUT of the question. asexual is me. i yelled at doc for touching my arm and cursed anne rice her erotic scenes in every goddamned book today. i don't know that i've turned into a prude . . .

the ECT changed me. i used to think it damaged my brain, but it didn't. i smoked too much pot. and took too many meds. now that i'm on lighter meds and a medicinal amount of pot, i can see things a lot more clearly. but before i pontificate on it further, i am going to delve into my lj under the "ECT" tag and check on a few things. then you can expect an essay on it.

i'm suddenly consumed with knowing my past.

in this, i am also consumed with the desire to reach out to my birth family. i think to solve this, i will call my nana this week and see how she is doing. i am pretty sure we are in between cruise seasons, after the summer, before the holidays, so she should be home. i wondered aloud today if she would spend all of her money before she died, and doc said, "i hope so", and i agreed. she gives and gives to the hopeless losers that are her children, and as her grandchild, i'm not much better than them. we don't deserve the money. we've done nothing with our lives but wasted them. i know she bought my parents their half million dollar house, and likely bought them their new travel digs, but that's one thing. she can be around to enjoy it. she doesn't have to stay in a hotel when she comes here, she can stay in a nice home that she paid for. when my parents come to visit, they don't have to stay with her anymore, they can go to one of the parks nearby and park with their new camper, and she can keep her independence. i don't mind that she takes them on cruises, she is getting on, she should have companions when traveling.

but my papa worked hard to earn that money. he was brilliant and he came up with something that got patented and is used to this day. and she stood by him and supported him in the times it wasn't so good and was a great soul mate for him. she deserves to live long and well on it. and if that includes spoiling her only daughter and her son-in-law, i'm not one to hold a grudge. just because her daughter wouldn't do the same, and in fact has denied her only birth daughter. in their world, money took the place of love. i could never be happy with that. i want the love. i had the money when i was growing up. my parents were poor, but my grand parents would have been strung up before they would let their only birth grand daughter go without. they offered to send me to schools, they bought me clothes, took me on enriching vacations. my grandmother tried to culture me. she'll never know the positive effect she had on me because i am too proud to tell her. but all the money she spent on me could have been replaced by a few hugs.

there is still contention between us. i understand now that she simply doesn't like teens. i don't, myself. but at the time i didn't get it and i hated her for it. that hate and hurt have been slow to leave. the women in my family just aren't meant to get along, i think. we are meant to be distant from each other. we're all too similar to get along. we're all idiots. greedy and selfish. we can't help but fight. and when we all got tired of the fighting, then came the ignoring. and that's where we are today. and recently i've been wishing that wasn't so. but i don't know what i'm wishing. having ties with a family would just complicate my life. and i wouldn't want doc's arrangement, where he wants to and could reach out but just doesn't. that seems to pain him. no i wouldn't want that.

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