Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers


i slept for two days and now i can't sleep again. this has been the longest night. animals all over me, back cramps . . . if i wasn't scared of the bugs in my room i would go in there and sleep with the door shut so the animals will leave me alone. i am in a BAD mood. i have to try and cheer up before doc gets home at 10. it's almost now. i just want doc to be here. i'd email him but i don't know his email and i don't want to bug him with this shit. he can't come home early, we are skirting broke too closely. we put money away for the truck tune-up and doc's new bed. i thought it was important to put the money away and be broke for a week or two, rather than have the money but be unprepared. but the bottom line is, he needs every minute he can get at work.

but i want him here so i can cuddle and snuggle with him and feel some human contact. sometimes all the contact with nothing but animals depresses me.

doc and i have both been a little on the depressed side for the past week. we suffered alone through it before sharing it with each other and figuring out it was just probably the change in seasons. we both feel it keenly - he because he's on his scooter driving in it and me because i spend so much time hanging out outside on the porch. i have to smoke inside now when the sun is down. and it bums me out. i can't just go out and sit in the middle of the night for a few hours and get my head together.

AAAAHHHhhhhhhh. huge sigh of relief. i got an email from an ebay buyer saying they hadn't gotten their item! i went into a panic. i kept good records, so i went back through them and it was just a misunderstanding. i am so relieved. i was so afraid of fucking up that first round of sales. but i didn't. i can handle complex tasks. cool.

it's an Adele kind of morning. the kind of morning i just let the tears come and i don't question them.

i have been thinking a lot about my hatred toward the GOP and it goes back to daddy issues. he is one of them. he was my abuser and tormentor. he lied like they lie. and i want to kill everything that reminds me of him. i can't just sit back and feel pity for these morons like i should. i get mad and i want to strike them down, hurt them. but who doesn't have daddy issues these days? at least i recognize it. so i have to work on separating that all from my dad and take a more objective view towards conservatives, or i swear i'm going to end up in prison. i get so angry and it spills out onto everything. and it's a blind and incoherent anger. it's not good. it leaves me unable to articulate cleanly. i hate it.

i braved the cold and went outside to smoke. it helped. i'm feeling a little better. of course now that i'm not on the couch there is not an animal to be seen. the dog got out. so he's taking himself for a walk right now. one less thing i have to do later. i'll take him out when i wake up around 2.

i had this awful nightmare flash yesterday while i was dozing. i was walking down the hall toward the living room, facing the sliding glass door and i looked up at it and there was some big scary man spread eagle against the door. and then i woke up with a scream. doc rushed over to me to make sure i was okay. i explained the dream to him. but no one can get into our yard without a tall tall ladder. even so, i'm keeping the security gate closed from now on.

as i was getting Chewy ready for a walk yesterday, doc asked me to tie back my hair so i could see around me. i scoffed at him and told him i wasn't as pretty with my hair tied back and i was feeling vain. he pleaded with me, explaining he'd just seen an NCIS episode about this girl getting attacked when doing something routine. he's never expressed any kind of situational concern before. not like that, he's not usually affected by TV or news stuff. it was cute and endearing. if he knew i said that he would throw up a little in his mouth. heh.

enough Adele, back to some rousing Big Country.

today i will finish my ACA application. i needed doc's permission to use his tax stuff on the application. i need it to see what assistance i qualify for. if you live in a state where medicaid has been expanded, and that is a little over half of them, and you are unemployed, you NEED to check out the ACA, if you are in a state with an exchange, do it now, if not, wait until the site is working properly. i don't care what you believe about it. Green Eggs and Ham . . . just try it for chrissakes. it won't hurt you and it won't take from your immortal soul. you don't even have to tell anyone about it. but for your own benefit, put aside your prejudices and just check it out. if i'm wrong, you can tell me "i told you so". that's fine. but i'm shocked here, doc might receive a tax credit, which he desperately needs. we pay a huge amount of taxes, even though i am his dependent. we are up to our ears with the IRS.

i have a few pieces of jewelry left to post on ebay, then i'm ready for the holiday season. i will take my time with the happy meal toys. those aren't going to be in big demand for xmas. i'm sure i'll get them up by the middle of november, but they aren't a priority. the more time they sit, the more money they are worth. i have yet to sell a piece of jewlery this time around, yet. people are looking at them, and i have some "watchers" which i see as potential sales. it will be a while before i can get my boots, if at all. but i'm having fun. i could promote it more. maybe i'll put something flashy on my homepage advertising my sales. i need an excuse to play with photoshop.

here's a serious question for you . . . i have a link to my page on my site, with a link "buy my books HERE", but would it be more appealing instead if the link sent to you to a page i made of the book covers that led you to . . . ? did that make sense? it's not that no one is buying my books, that's fine, there's no money in poetry and no poetry in money, but no one is even looking, and there are previews of the books on lulu. so you can go in and read some of the poems without having to buy the book. no one is even doing that. maybe i should be selling CDs of my spoken stuff instead? i don't know. any thoughts would be welcome. i'm not about heavy marketing, i just want to make things appealing and more friendly and personal. everything online is anonymous and impersonal and i hate it, i try to do the opposite, you know?

Big Country and the rising sun have cheered me. i'm ready to take on the day now. by taking a nap. with my animals, peacefully. i have to wait for the dog to come back, of course. but felix is out, so there's one fight that won't be had. simon has adapted to laying on the dog if need be to be close to me, he proved that yesterday. i wish i'd had the cam on. doc said i was sleeping with my arm curled around Simon and a little smile on my face. he wanted to take a picture, but he couldn't find the camera. of course once i got up, he saw where i had left it. but i hadn't put it back where it belonged, so it was my fault. chances are, Simon will be that cute again in the future.

should i put certain pieces of poetry on my site, or is it enough that i post some on allpoetry and facebook and here?

once my picture gallery gets upgraded, my hits to my site will go down considerably. it seems a great deal of traffic to my site is an attempt to hack the gallery. whatever. so my traffic will go down and i can more accurately see if i'm getting any traffic at all. i know i get about a thousand hits to the cam per month. no, that isn't a great deal. but so far the cam has been sketchy and it isn't like i advertise. and i don't even think webcam in in my meta tags any more. i should fix that if it isn't. sounds to me like i need to do some maintenance on my site today.

i also need to go through this month's cam pics and take out the redundant ones. that will occupy a couple of hours and i should get at least two movies burned for kelli today. i have a big ol' list. and i need to get my music together for her because she lost everything when her computer crashed. lucky that was mainly music i gave her. so that is easy enough to replace. and i want to have the movies done in time to get them to her before xmas, or by xmas. maybe they will be her xmas present.

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