why do they texture keyboard keys? it just rubs off. so you have these keys you use more often rubbed smooth in the middle and rough around the edges. silliness.
i think i'll find my collage materials tomorrow. they are really the only art supplies i haven't gathered. i feel an artistic streak coming on.
i found my motivation this morning and got the place all cleaned up before doc got home. all except loading the dishwasher. i told him when he asked that i didn't love him enough to load the dishwasher. then i got him a beer.
it never gets messy really, i just like it to be pristine, after the constant clutter and mess of the apartment. the kitchen gets messy. especially if we both cook on the same day, which we did. and i took a day to empty the dishwasher because i'm essentially lazy.
my knuckle has almost healed. so i can put the electrical tape back on it and go back to work on my rug. which is cool because it's all arranged in an orderly pile in front of the living room. nice pile that not even the cats have fucked with, but a pile nonetheless that i want gone. and i want the rug in my room.
i'm going to have to put all my stuffed animals in storage. they are all bedbug infested. i've vacuumed and sprayed them and i plan on washing the ones i can with super hot water, but i don't trust them to go back on my bed. i'm really bummed about this. i've been waiting all my life to have a bed with all my animals on it. i swear to god, i had better be asleep when B comes over to fix doc's bike or i will punch him out for sending that psycho bitch and her bedbugs here. like doc told him "your shit is getting on my front porch and i don't like it". and did it ever. we're stuck with his broken down motorcycles outside my bedroom window, we almost went broke accommodating that cunt and, now we are infested with bugs we may never get rid of. and he has the balls to complain to doc that i don't chat with him on facebook. i don't chat with anyone. and he is not my friend. he is doc's mechanic. he is the guy who has constantly complicated my life since we met the sorry son of a bitch. i'm sick of it. and there is nothing i can do. we have the bugs, we are stuck with them. i will vacuum under and around the bed and spray once a week but i've yet to hear a successful "getting rid of the bedbug" story. i woke up to a giant one on my face the other night. i got up and left the bed and came in here to the couch.
and i feel dirty having them. i know they come and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. but i still feel dirty. and shamed. like it's a judgement on my housekeeping skills. and that sucks because i have kept this house in great condition since i've been here. the back yard is a bit cluttered with crap, but that's all doc. and the stupid motorcycles. as long as there is room for chewy to run and no cars in the yard, i'm happy.
speaking of cars in the yard, the guy we know who has an SUV like ours, a couple years difference, is in jail and he's selling his SUV. cheap. so we could conceivably use the one as parts for the other and get one working truck out of it. and then i would have a car. and one i'm not afraid to drive. i've cut way back on the psychotropics and i think i can qualify for a driver's license in the next year or so. and it would do me good to put my own car together. i could stand to learn something new. i figure we'll use his as the main one and use ours as parts, since our tranny is fucked. even though it got replaced. never go to that mechanic again. then he says he doesn't guarantee his work and for another couple grand he can fix it for real. fucker. and he was recommended to us. nice.
i've got a lot of anger lately. i really want to get into a fight with someone other than doc. i'm feeling scrappy. broken beer bottle scrappy. come home with wounds scrappy.
i have cartoons on while i listen to Pink, because Major is watching TV and i've found out he favors the cartoon channels. he really likes spongebob, of course. but tom and jerry will do just fine for him. he'll even watch news with me if i'm not in the cartoon mood. he just sits in front of the TV and stares at it, it's so cute. i try to encourage it. i try to encourage anything any of them do that is cute. major seems to rule in the cute department, but maybe i think that because he talks to me like my siamese used to. he chatters away. and when i'm not in the room he expects me to be in, he howls for me. it's so precious. doc hates it. it can't be helped, that's just the way Major is made.
i'm thinking i might stop reading/watching American news. i think i'll stick to the international sources from now on. if for no other reason than i need to know the rest of the world is just as fucked up as we are. if i can't do that, find a new place to live. i can't handle what is going on in this country. i can't take the divide between logic and delusion that is getting out of hand because it makes better news. and it seems everyone with an emotional disorder wants to be in the news all the time so they are always trying to top each other's crazy. i can't take it anymore.
i'm thinking England. i've looked at all the UK, but i keep coming back to England. it would be Sweden, back home to the "old" country, but i have no faith in my being able to learn the language. i already know most of the Queen's English. i could start in London and then find a nice house up north in the country. nothing for miles around but internet. i could have a flower garden. i could go to the pub and learn how to play darts, i could lose a lot of weight because i find nothing appealing about their food. i suppose i could try to live on yorkshire pudding and curry. that wouldn't suck.
the polarizing hatred in this country beats us all down. that's why we're all mentally unstable. and we ALL are. in some way. i have yet to meet an American who isn't either on or in deep need of some sort of mood stabilizer. and there's got to be a reason for that. and i think it's because of all the hate brought on by evangelical christian beliefs. it's no secret i feel christianity is the problem with this country. and religion is the problem with most of the world. except north korea, they've got their own deal going on that i just don't get. but it's the stupefying christian beliefs that are dividing this country. it all comes down to that. there is an attitude that comes with rampant christian extremism that believes it is superior to everything else, with nothing to back it up but some book written by a bunch of goat herders a century after the events supposedly took place. and the religion we see today has nothing at all to do with the teachings of jesus. it is just the opposite, and the more opposite it is, the more they scream it's in jesus' name. if you ask me, it's kind of bullshit.
not every christian is bad. don't think i'm saying that. i think the religion is bad for a productive and intelligent society, but people are people. there are some atheists who are real asshats. i'm one of them. but i wouldn't be any better if i had a god behind me. i would be worse. i was worse. back when i used to believe i was justified in everything i did as long as i had a "pure" heart, i didn't care who i hurt because i probably wouldn't see them in heaven anyway. you have nothing to lose when you are living for the promise of an afterlife. when there is no afterlife to rely on, you must live and you must be accountable for what you do because no one is coming to judge you later and listen to your begging for forgiveness, you have to own up to what you do. and if you don't, it's called sociopathy. plain and simple.
i know every generation says this, but i cannot stand to live my life with this current generation of youth growing up and being in charge. i won't live my life like that. the few who emerge in tact and intelligent and ambitious, they have had to fight so hard to be that way, they are burnt by the time they are out of college. and my generation is raising a generation of monsters. i'm so glad i didn't have kids. i'm no where near strong enough to raise a good child in this country.
everything here seems to be either/or. either you are bullied, or you are the bully. either the perpetrator or the victim. there is no neutrality anymore. to sit quietly and not do something is to waste your existence, but we are all fighting ideas. and you can't break an idea. i can't convince you that there is no god/goddess any more than you can convince me there is. there is no more sitting on the fence, the fence sitters get picked off by whoever has the flashiest suntan. they are the watchers of reality TV, those that choose to have no opinion, or vague ones at best. they are the ones who don't ever say "no" to their kids, who are growing up to be a precious bunch of psychopaths. these are the people who watch sports instead of reading a paper or a book. the ones that are content being mediocre. they are a disease, just as much as the zealots who preach non-stop neon hate. and the weaker and more neutral they are, the more easily they get sucked into some religion.
i'm done. i don't make sense when i go off like that. i used to go to speech class unprepared and just get up and wing it like that, and then during the question/answer portion after they would crucify me. i wouldn't be able to remember half of what i'd said. let alone make sense of it.
i've been listening to the same four pink songs for the last two hours. i think i need to stop now. but i can't. she is everything i wanted to be when i was growing up. i never wanted to be a poet, i wanted to be a singer/songwriter. that's why i'm so obsessed with my own lack of singing talent. i might have been trained, but my parents always ended up stiffing my music teachers. i could sing when i was younger, i used to do solos at christmas in the choir.
yes, i sang in the choir. up until i was 16. i also played on the church's volleyball team, organized the music for countless dances, counseled other teens who had strayed from the church's teachings. i did all that. four years of, well three and a half, of before school, pre-dawn seminary classes on the scriptures and doctrine. i won what they called "scripture chases" where you memorized passages from scriptures and their locations and then when given hints, raced other teens to find the passage in your scriptures. i used highlighters and colored pencils and crinkled pages and everything else i could within the rules to give myself the advantage without really having to learn all the passages. and i won. all the time. i have the pins. so everything i did was justified and encouraged. it was cheating, but in the name of christ. what the fuck is that nonsense? i quit seminary and the church halfway through my senior year in high school and they still graduated me. and it was largely on that that i was accepted into a church college at a discounted tuition. everything i did wrong was encouraged.
up until i was raped and got pregnant. that was the one thing they couldn't deal with. i was discouraged from reporting the rape, i was promised emotional and financial support from the church in return for the baby when it was born and then left penniless and homeless while i was pregnant. and they justified it all. what did you think would happen when you broke god's law and had sex. but i was raped. you're a punk, you get what you deserve. when i was raped in college, i was told the same thing. i deserved it. the school would do nothing to the guy, just kick me out for breaking the purity pledge. some Samoan friends got even with him. then i heard he went on a mission and married in the temple and i'm sure he hates every stinking moment of his life now. most men in the church do. they won't admit it, but they do. sex is discouraged in the church, even between a married couple it is meant to be austere and gentile. and that cuts down intimacy. and that makes people hate each other. and the church keeps them quiet about it. giving them "callings" to serve to keep their minds off their miserable existence.
okay, i have got to stop this pontificating. i'm not on a fucking stage after all. i'm not rollins. i could never get my thoughts together enough to be rollins. or do what he does.
this is going nowhere slowly and dragging you, fair readers, with it. i'm sorry for that. i've been holding in a lot of stuff. and the main person i'm angry with . . . well i can't do anything about it. even if i could, he's too stupid to get where he's wrong. he thinks oxygen is a finite resource, like windmills will lessen it on the planet. how do you talk to someone like that? when you know already that reason and logic have nothing to do with what goes on in their head. how do you fight that without becoming it? i don't know. maybe i need a nap. or a beer. or a bowl. or a cigarette. maybe my blood sugar is low. i know i took my meds. and with those few sentences, i am American.