Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

oh god i am so grossed out!!

i took apart my bed and found 2 bed bug nests. both in my stuffed animals. fucking great. i'm going to have to take them to the laundrette and wash them in steaming hot water. i've sprayed them with toxic shit and vacuumed all visible evidence up. i sprayed down my bed and took the sheet off. vacuumed the shit out of that. what if i can't get rid of these fuckers? i know where they came from. and it's going to take everything i have not to punch B in the head the next time i see him. stupid happenings of spring. oh, man, i am so grossed out. my hands were covered with blood when i was done. there's a stack of stuffed animals and pillows and sheets out on the porch now. i wonder when doc is going to the laundrette. i need to bag these up.

hands up if you are tired of hearing about Chris Matthews' new book. i don't want to read it. i'm sure he finds a way to yell through the text. the man scares me. i don't even know what his views are, all i can register is "fat white man yelling".

i've been thinking about it lately, and i've discovered i am not a moral person. i'm not a particularly good person, either. take slavery for example. i'm for that. Under Certain Conditions. if the slaves were middle aged white men, i'd be for that. i would. and i'd be first to the whip. i would work those motherfuckers to death. i would leave bodies around the fucking property of fat white guys who died where they stood. actually, let me specify middle aged, because technically doc is middle aged - 55-75 years old; overweight; short grey hair; big mouth. if i could just enslave the republicans, all the better. that would be preferable.

i entered a contest to win a trip to Disneyland and the tv station i entered at has sent me in excess of 8 emails a day, each one has to be separately unsubscribed to, and it doesn't matter because they keep sending the emails anyway. for all this, i had Better win the trip.

aside from spam, i don't get email anymore since i stopped posting on facebook. and i am happy. i'm kind of disappointed that "friends" did not "like" my page and with the five people who did, it hardly seems worth updating, but i will. all the meaningless stupid pages i have "liked" for people to help them spread the word, and i ask for one thing in return. right. can't fucking depend on the golden rule, people only say they follow it. and it's just online stuff, it isn't like you are giving up a kidney.

Truthful Tuesday: am i an unlikeable person? really. i won't be hurt. it would be a relief to hear a chorus of "yeses", it would explain things. or am i just boring and have nothing really to offer and i'm totally deluded that the opposite is true? that could be. delusion is a symptom of my illness, and it had me convinced that my problem was doc for years. when he was actually the solution. the point is that my delusions can be strong and persistent and i may be living under the biggest self delusion of all.

i've been asking this question since 1999. since i spent about a year online. it took about a year of the unpopularity and silence of the internet to get to me. of course i am saying this a couple paragraphs after advocating the enslavement of the GOP, just the males, let me be clear. leave the women and children to fend for themselves like the rest of us. right.

i can make myself feel better for a while by saying that i just scare people, then some Polish Jew in Israel wants to "chat" because he saw you get your nipples pierced on youtube. i have no problem with poles or jews. that isn't what i have a problem with. i don't know what i have a problem with. he objectified me? or he was the only person to? what is my deal? i don't know. i'm tired of ten years of spam. of 13 years of making noise and nothing. is it time to pack up and start keeping it to myself?

so yeah, i'm full of shit. i DO want to be known. but do i really know what that entails? the good and the bad. and the end of the silence. and isn't it the silence i like the best? do i really want to give that up?

midlife crisis. some kind of fucking crisis. enough of this, i'm going to go out and decorate for halloween.
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