Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

what more in the name of love, for chrissakes?

i got my ebay stuff all packed up, labeled, and postage paid for. all doc has to do is drop them in a mailbox. i printed out the labels and receipt (because i can now!) and put them together and i am well on my way to being extremely organized with all of this.

then i bought my hip pack. then i bought small padded envelopes so i can mail the jewelry. 50 of them for $7 with free shipping. much better than retail. so all i need for jewelry is the chain. and i can wait on that for a week or so. once rent is paid i'll see where we are. since doc volunteered to make that investment.

tulip is doing well. i have the cam in there, but so far all she does is sleep. good. she'll get better faster. she's used the litter box and loves the cat bed. she is the first to like that bed. Vader slept in it when he was confined to the bathroom, but all scootched up in it and only because it was the only not tiled place. Tulip is spread out in the bed, testing the limits of it. it is still much bigger than she is. she has a sweet, nasal meow. no mew there, straight to a big girl meow. she has light marks in her fur that looks like she got bleach splashed on her. god only knows what she went through in her short life. she's around 6 months old and has spent two of those months in the shelter. i guess no one wanted a bleached cat. i think it gives her character. and she doesn't seem to have suffered from it.

i feel so accomplished. though i need to work more on the spreadsheet. after a few hours messing with the computer my butt was numb from the crappy chair and i couldn't sit there anymore. i took a long nap, and i've been fucking around ever since i woke up, doing shit as it occurs to me. i moved the shelving unit into the dining room and doc cleaned it off. i still haven't loaded it up. i have to decide what is going to go on it. i know my fondue sets (yes, i have more than one) will go on top. and the liquor will go on the top shelf of the right half. (it's a short, long unit) and cookbooks will go on the left half. but there is one short shelf that i don't know what . . . i'll figure it out.

i was going to call kelli today and ask her how incredible the giant rubber duck is, but i got caught up in stuff.

you know what? it's 9:30pm, i think i will put on my jammies. yes, that sounds like a capital idea. my pants are cutting into my belly, time to take them off.

oh, wow, the cam was on when i went in and went to the bathroom. oh well. that's a life cam, right?

Tulip is up and bopping around the bathroom. she ate, and then used the litter box. i haven't picked her up or held her, leaving that up to doc during these first few crucial days, and it's killing me! i just want to fuzzle and snuggle and kiss her. i guess it's for the best since she is contagious and i am constantly surrounded by the others. Major especially, he actually waits for me outside the bathroom door. i wouldn't know what to do if he got sick. my darling Major Whiner.

here's a picture of Tulip:, isn't she the cutest? just like all my other cats, the cutest in the world.

i have 40 hours of music loaded on my playlist flash drive. i have yet to listen to the whole thing, though i've managed, during doc's work week, to get through about half of it over the course of a few days. and i have new music to add. Kanye, for example. i listened to Yeezus in its entirety a few times yesterday. good record. it will be hard to pick songs for the playlist.

a few of the bands i have to add to it:
the Ramones
the Clash
Romeo Void
Soft Cell
Hazel O'Connor (that's simply converting FLAC files to mp3)
Sex Pistols

every day i think of another song or band i want on it.

i also switched up the music on my mp3 player today. i don't know if it would be as fun if i had one with more capacity. 256 megs is enough for walking the dog, and the one hour per battery i get. plus once every couple of weeks i get to switch up the list. it makes me look forward to my walks with Chewy even more. i love walking him, it's just a problem getting motivated sometimes. i'm trying to get into a "just fucking get up and do it" mentality with it, like i'm taking with everything else. it's working. this evening Chewy didn't get his walk because i was busy until it was too dark. if it's too dark, i can't see where he poops to pick it up. he got running time outside in the back yard. i went out and played with him and got him all wound up and eventually he went potties.

i guess i'm high because i keep forgetting to smoke the bowl. this change in my smoking habits has been really good for me. i wish i hadn't resisted it for so long. by sticking to what doc gives me and not taking any on my own from him, i am forced to make it last and use it in moderation. that means i'm sobering up between tokes. so i'm actually spending sober time feeling and doing and stuff for the first time in over 10 years. and i'm liking it. yes, reality is overrated, but i'm crazy enough that i shouldn't have to be high all the time. i just did it out of boredom. now i do things like read, which i need to be sober for so i remember what i read; or redesign my site. yes, i am doing it. i decided i'm going with black on white. i'm having a tough time deciding on the graphics font. the site font is Helvetica, but the graphics font is where i get to really show my personality.

i did the FAQ page today. i'll admit i used a FrontPage template and modified it. but by the time it is published, i will have cleaned up the code. i'm being really picky about this, this time. font size and code clarity mean a lot to me with this redesign. i think it's because i am completely lacking in creative ideas for it. completely lacking. i'm torn between making it phone friendly and not. i can't decide.

Even now, Stan by Eminem gives me chills. it doesn't matter how many times i hear it. it tears me away from whatever i am doing and just takes over me.

of course, windows media player follows the solemn Stan with Adam and the Ants. of course. the playlist for the manic depressive. a radio station programmed by a lunatic. hee hee.

what am i going to do tonight? this is almost written. i'm too stoned to work effectively. i guess i'll just play on pinterest for a while. i have a bunch of images to upload to it anyway. you can't pin from facebook, of course. so you have to view the image full size, save it and then upload it and sort it to pinterest. silly process. so i have a bunch of images i've saved.

you would never know from pinterest that black cats are the least adoptable. they certainly are the most photographed. if only i could get mine to hold still and pose. they all walk toward the camera, like "Mommy, what's that?", silly cats. i will get some pumpkins and get some halloween pictures with the black set, though. i know Evie will cooperate. Vader, not so much. he wants to cuddle the camera, not be the subject of it. Freddie is the same way.

BTW, if you ever want to see pictures of all the crap i talk about, here's the link: until i get the hang of coppermine again, i will be using twitpic for photos. once coppermine and i can work together in harmony, i will start using it and linking to images there. just another part of my site that will improve with time and grow ever larger.

i was amazed at the sheer amount of poetry i have written. "Go Ahead, Eat the Daisies" is chock full of poetry i do not remember writing and am unfamiliar with. the money from my next round of ebay sales will go to getting me a copy of that bitch. after i fix it a little and revise it on the lulu site. i have to get ISBN numbers for it and "Stop Poking Me, Lady" so i can create and sell Kindle versions of them. that will get my name onto not for book sales, they're poetry books, i don't expect them to sell, but for exposure. the more sites you can search my name and find something, the more i like it. i want to be everywhere. i don't know why.

i no longer want to be one of the cool kids. i've learned to enjoy being separate from everything. popularity finally doesn't matter. being happy and having a peaceful life are what matter to me. what doc and i have is important to me. my relationship with kelli is important to me. as is my furry family. not much else. i wonder if my mom ever went through this. of course, she was popular in high school. she failed me where her mother succeeded with her. but that isn't important either. it's over and done with. i just wonder how she has dealt with really only having one close friend, my father for around 20 years. i mean, is that okay with her? especially after what she knows he did to my sisters and i. i now understand unconditional love, where you can forgive someone of some pretty nasty shit in the face of love. i've been tested and i know that nothing can shake my love for doc. he is stuck with me. i'm not even afraid to grow old with him.

since my recent "awakening", i have been paying more attention to him. getting to know him again, or in some cases, for the first time. everything has been all about me forever. what a sucky relationship this must have been for doc. i can't imagine, okay, i can, but i can't imagine tolerating it. he used to say he wasn't able to feel his own feelings, there was no room in the relationship for it, and i would deny it up and down. but i see now, it was true. everything had to be about me and he was just a supporting player. now he's a co-star and it makes a huge difference. and i think he finally feels safe to feel and show his feelings to me and talk about them with me. i am finally receptive to it.

i want to apologize to all my exes, except Douchebag, for my atrocious behavior over the last 20-something years. i can't believe anyone stood me long enough to stay with me. that goes for Douchebag, too, but he was just as crazy as i was and he dragged me down into it and made me wallow in it. i can't forgive him that. but the others . . . jesus, how did you put up with me? did you think you could change me? were you in denial about how bad i really was? i'm sorry i was such a lunatic cunt. i'm sorry i infected your lives with it. my illness makes me need as much as it makes me push away. moreso. and the need was insatiable because i didn't know what i wanted. i kept trying to fill a hole in myself with everything i could get my hands on. drugs, sex, people . . . and i paid no attention to the damage i was doing - no, that's not entirely true, there were times, with people, that i could see the damage i was doing and didn't care enough to stop it. it was my fault.

wow. strange to admit that to myself. to realize it. and i couldn't see it until it changed. i'm damn lucky that doc is resistant to change and didn't leave me. i am starting to realize just how lucky.

so, obviously, he's not going to Cambodia next month like we were hoping he would be able to last spring. it's been one financial setback after another. but we're coming out of it. bills are paid on time, the truck is paid off and i think he has been squirreling money away in savings. i have one rule about money, if we're not out of it, i don't want to know how much we have. it's none of my business and it is too stressful for me to be involved with the finances. if i need or want something, doc gets it for me or not, depending upon whether he thinks i need it and where we're at financially. so i have no idea if he's been saving money, but he's been really frugal, so i'm thinking he has. which is good. i want every cent to go to getting him to Asia. and just hope beyond prayer that he comes back to me. i was looking on pinterest today and all the coolest places i was pinning were in Asia. the temples, and the Buddhist monks with their black cats and the waterfalls and bridges, so amazing. and he has the courage to go there, well, it's home to him. he speaks Korean, Japanese, Mandarin and a bit of Vietnamese. he learned them as a child. enough of each language to make his own way in the whole of Asia. and he speaks them with the same ease i speak english or french. it baffles me. those languages confuse the fuck out of me. give me the romance languages. all we need is someone familiar with the Russian dialects.

time to go mess with the other computer for a while. then sober up enough to work on the spreadsheet. i made the mistake of getting stoned at the tail end of my work on it last night and i had to go back and redo everything i did under the influence, just to be sure it was done right. i don't like that. i'm liking drugs less and less. i'm noticing the stripping of motivation and memory and i don't like it one bit. i'm not on heavy meds right now, so the only reason for it could be the pot. i know this is all elementary to outsiders, but from inside me, this is a revelation, something i knew the words to but never the meaning.

wow, it's 11. i've been writing a long time and i think i want a fresh cuppa and a cigarette.

have a good night!

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