Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i really don't know

i was just sitting here thinking and realized that (i'm not sure about one of my brothers, but this applies to the rest of us) none of the kids in my family grew up to have kids. we don't have traditional marriages, either. it says some curious and interesting things about my parents. those of us that grew up did so to become free spirits. afraid of nothing. that's a hard thing to instill in a kid. but my parents somehow, under the strict confines of the Mormon church, managed to do it. in spite of all my ill feelings about them, i have to thank my parents for that. it's sad that it led most of us to leave the nest forever in violent and ugly wrenching ways. but i guess a price must be paid.

i found pictures of Kasey and posted them on my facebook page. since then i've been thinking a lot about my family. and the epic fail that it was. a dangerous experiment, gone horribly awry. the resentment that i felt when i learned that my parents were no longer strict, in fact they let the kids walk all over them, after they had been so strict and confining with me was a bitter pill to swallow. the kids were always a different group than me. 9-18 years younger than i, they had nothing in common with me. i was their tender, not their sister. and i left the house right when they were getting interesting.

now i know none of them. my sister stopped being my friend on facebook. i think it was because i friended my parents and a few of their Mormon friends from my childhood. c'est la vie. i can't worry about pleasing everyone. they all fucked me over when Kasey died. i owe none of them anything. even my sister. i love her, but she's just as guilty as they are and i don't know that i will ever forgive her for not telling me Kasey was dead until well after the memorial and the distribution of her stuff as mementos to her friends. that was just wrong. as wrong as my parents for whatever part they played in it. the whole thing was cruel and serves as a brightly lit reminder why i don't pick up the phone and call them, and view communication from them suspiciously.

i must have gotten a lot of sleep, or had some helpful dreams (by 'helpful', i mean, purging). i'm all feisty today. i put my lip ring in, stacked my bracelets and put my rings back on. it's the size 32" jeans that are doing it. it's got me all high. and i get dressed up and put on cologne every day, straighten my hair . . . and it's pretty much all for doc and myself. no one else sees me, aside from Chewy's friends on the walks. but i see a benefit in it. it gets me going, keeps me feeling "up". keeps me up, don't want to sleep when i'm looking so good, damn i'm all conceited and shit. but really, taking pride in myself is a renewed feeling that i really missed.

the pants i brought home from storage fit me now. i just have to ditch this muffin top. there's nothing else for it, i'm going to have to work out the muscles under the loose skin and remainder of fat. but the daily walks, after years of nothing but sitting, are really improving my lower body fast. and cutting down the coffee and sugar and stepping back the food has made a difference fast. so i figure if i do some crunches and such, it should make a difference fast. there's no reason i can't have a nice body. now that i give a shit again.

i've owned my muffin top and named it (Bert, for those who have forgotten), and now i'm getting rid of it. it's cool to be confident when you're not at your best, but it's better to be at your best. where the hell did that come from?

so cafe press has automated their designer for products and i can no longer find the dimensions that the designs need to be. and i'm supposed to be making t-shirts for kelli and i. though they got really expensive while they were at it. and their layout is like pinterest now. i need to spend some time on the site and see if i can't dig up the info i need. oh, if all else fails, hell this may be easier, download the images i have up already and check their sizes. duh. well that's settled. i'm not particularly interested in designing new stuff. i just want to make this one tshirt for kelli and i. i can't sell it because it isn't my saying, but i figure i can do them up and order them for us and then delete them. it's a creepy font (that i found in my hunt the other day, there are a lot of creepy fonts out there) that says, "you think i'm crazy, you should see me with my best friend". i need to update some of the stuff up there because it has a URL that is no longer active. just in case someone buys one of my designs, i'd like it to promote the right site.

and it's time i redid my site, but i'm at a loss as to what or how or anything. i've been looking at old designs, and i had a lot of talent. what happened to that? so i open the pages in dreamweaver and study what i did and how i formatted and such. i used a lot of graphics. so far, my favorite page is the old OLAS page. i really knocked myself out on that one. and there are a couple of designs i still like. i'm even thinking about recycling one. at least the layout of it. i'm kind of over the colors that i used. but i think it may be tie to stop using the Courier font. maybe a nice Hevetica.

i'm torn between giving doc the laptop and making him go to bed. the cam was flipping out so i turned it off and now it won't play nice with the software so i have to wait until i restart. i'm doing ten different things. kelli was telling me she read that we are not wired to multi-task, we CAN do many things at once, but none of them well. so i should really finish this and make it 9.

so how does this picture gallery/scrapbook work? i should read the FAQ, i suppose. if all goes well, those two pictures of Kasey and me will be with it. i really don't know.

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