Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

know when to say "no" to me

it has been a most uneventful day. full of sleep and grumpiness.

i've been doing some reading and some self assessing, and i believe i've been misdiagnosed all this time. i never thought i fit the manic-depressive suit, or the schizophrenic one. but there is something wrong with me, we all know that. i'm psychotic, given to fits and psychotic episodes and great violence upon myself . . . so i've been reading about BPD. it sounds like me. doc says it sounds like everyone. he is NOT being helpful. but i want to talk to my shrink about it and see if there is a different track we can take with my treatment so i can get better.

upon watching SNL tonight, i discovered Kanye West's "Yeezus" LP. i'm in love. so much techno influence. i'll have to look up the lyrics because i can't understand a damn thing the man says. and i have to say that behind Ben Affleck's performance on SNL, no wonder people were freaking out about him being Batman. another reason not to like superheroes. it was like he wasn't at any of the rehearsals all week. he read off the cue cards the Whole time. sad. not that i liked him much to begin with.

i'm putting together folders of cam pics and poems to make videos with. so all i have to do is make the video when i'm in the mood, not worry about finding all the files and then making the video. it's slow going. many of them need to be edited. and i need to re-record some of them. but i have plenty of pictures for them. no one is watching them, but i have hopes. not in going viral, but in someone finding them who gets it. you can view my channel and subscribe to it (please subscribe to it, it gets me more exposure) here:

i was thinking about making a FAQ page for my site, but no one asks me questions, so i have to think of some questions. someone has to have questions, as to why i do what i do. though i don't know that i could answer that particular question. why do i do what i do? why do i feel the compulsion to put all of myself out there to a mostly empty auditorium, and why have i done it to some extent for the last 14 years. it isn't for fame or fortune, or validation.

my parents adopted a new dog this weekend. my mom messaged me on FB about it. crazy woman. don't talk to me for how long and then send me a message about your new dog? i'm sure i have no idea how that woman's mind works. i do kind of wonder about my parents, how they're doing. i know they went to Disneyland a couple of weeks ago, and a cruise over the summer. but other than that . . . nothing. i wonder how my brother is doing. the one who stayed.

so anyway. . .

it's 2 in the morning and i'm not tired, i don't think i'm hungry . . . R, who will be called Mr. Death Metal from now on, had a gig tonight. he was supposed to come over after, the fact that we haven't heard from him tells me things went well. his band is being scouted by the manager of a major US band. and they are suddenly booked up through December. way cool. i'm so happy for him. he's being flakier than normal over it all, but i don't mind. i want to go to one of his gigs and see what it's all about. doc has been, but he isn't very good describing music unless it's stupid hippy music. and yes, this is the same Mr. Death Metal that ran like a girl when the cats brought a rat to the patio while we were out there.

i can't help it, i want another cat at the adoption event this week. another black cat. they have plenty of them. no one adopts them, apparently. they are on sale because of that. i find that so tragic. my black babies are the most precious group of cats you could ever want. but i won't mention it to doc again. it frustrates him because like me, he wants to save them all, too. but he is the adult here, he has to stay practical and know when to say no to me.

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