Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

quiet time

doc's asleep so it's time for me to be quiet.

i took a three hour nap earlier. i feel like i could stay up forever.

speaking of that, doc and i had a talk about this change of mood of mine. i worried it was a manic episode, but he is quite sure from the outside that it isn't. and i don't feel frantic and wired, i just feel alive. i feel like a shroud has been lifted off my brain. he thinks it's the med change. so i'm not worried anymore, i'm just going to go with it and just try to make sure i keep taking care of myself. i've eaten, taken my meds, brushed my teeth . . . washed my hair, even. to get the bleach smell out of it.

we were advised to give chewy a tums for his belly ache. we popped it in his mouth, got him to swallow it, and 20 minutes later, he was back to himself. he's back outside asleep, but i think he's out there now mainly because he loves sunset and twilight, and because it is really nice outside. it's 97 degrees, but it feels much cooler, it is no where near as humid as it was this time yesterday.

oh shit, i should have pulled out the writing before doc went in to go to sleep. oh well. that just means i can sleep this evening while he sleeps and stay up all night playing with my old writing. there is one poem in particular i'm looking for that i hope i still have a copy of. i didn't appreciate it when i wrote it, but it's been haunting me and i want to read it again and see if i've changed my outlook on it. it's one of the few poems i wrote when i went to college the first time. it's called "Suicide in the Rain". i know i had it when i was working on Aardvark Anthology (my first book of poetry i ever tried to put together), so it should be in with those poems. finding those was a gift. even if i don't find that one and it is lost forever. any of my old work gives me insight into myself that the journals just don't do.

the only good thing i learned from the Mormon church was the importance of journaling. i've kept journals in various forms since i was 13. i'm 43 now. 30 years of a life. and i documented my emotions through most of it.

sunset was nice tonight. no amazing purples and pinks, but a nice array of oranges and yellows. i can see it from where i'm sitting. i saw the sliver of the moon last night and it made me happy. and on my walk with chewy at 5 this morning, i saw orion, the only constellation i know, and that made me happy, too. i used to have a friend who had a special meaning with me and orion. we're still friends, i guess, but there's nothing special about it anymore. now orion is special to me because i recognize it and i love the way it looks.

i got another free 100 prints of photos. i'm actually printing out some from my pr0n days. some of the more tasteful pictures. i had to take some money out of my savings to pay for the postage after paying rent, but it was worth it. i got prints of chewy and major, too. so i can include those in the package i'm sending kelli later this week. then she'll have pictures of all my pets for her niece to look at. she loves cats. so i figure pictures of my cats are the way to her heart. and . . . i just got the email confirming that the prints have been shipped. woo-hoo!

which Kill Bill is your favorite? this week, mine is 1. i just saw it again this weekend. i can't get the music out of my head. i'm going to have to download the soundtrack. i need some of that music on my play list. where does tarantino hear this stuff? he has such an exposure to music, it's amazing. his soundtracks always blow me away.

my favorite pair of jeans tore today. in the knee. doc asked me what size jeans i wear, so maybe he'll pick me up a new pair at walmart or the thrift store this week when he gets paid. he's all stressed out because he likes to keep a buffer of a certain amount of money in his account, "just in case", and we had to go below that this week. so for two days, we have only half our emergency funding. i'm pretty zen with it. stressing out about money is just not my thing, as much as i talk about it. but he's in knots.

jesus, i was going to go out and have a smoke 45 minutes ago and i got sucked into this. be right back.

and as i smoked, i thought to myself that i would turn on NCIS and go to sleep. i'm bored. but now that i'm back in here, i'm not tired any more. maybe i'll have some fig newtons.

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