vader just cleared everything but the monitor off my computer desk. who is drugging my cat? they are all more rambunctious since the dog left. (can you believe i i spelled "rambunctious" right the first time? i don't)
i think tomorrow i'll try to get a ride to the mediterranean market. i need a new hookah hose. i gave myself a headache trying to smoke the silly thing tonight. i stopped trying and the headache went away.
i'm almost out of cumin. i just remembered that as i thought back to dinner. well, now it's documented. yay?
i'm in a silly mood and doc is asleep. maybe better for him. i was really mellow all day. after the hookah headache went away, i got silly. now i'm laughing at "Take on Me". better than singing to it, i suppose.
why is it i can sing on key but not hum on key? liliane? you're good with this stuff, you seem to know the answers to most of my queries.
you know, i was wondering today, what happened to the girl that was mourning her creativity? i have a lot of material brewing right now. i just can't put it here for a while. there are some things that need time before they are aired, for the good of everyone.
i will say i am losing hope in people. and i realize for the first time how sane i really am, if only because i can admit i'm crazy. like kelli says, "it's not the heat, it's the isanity," (i can tell you where you can get a swank tshirt that says that), the people here are fucking nutz. it's like you have to turn in your sanity as you enter the city. somewhere, it is all being stored, just outside the city limits. it seems some of mine has escaped and come back to me.
and somewhere deep, where i have been reaching down for what seems like forever, i have hit bottom finally. and there is the strength that i lost. slowly, it is making the climb back up to the top of me, where i can reach it easily and wield it once again.
someone should write that down.
if you like kate bush or big country, there is a song called "The Seer" that they perform that is simply amazing. not "Women's Work" amazing, but still. really good. she half speaks, half sings through the verses and wails through the chorus, amazing. have i used that word enough? i see you nodding your head, you.
i'm not as afraid of people as i was. i actually responded to a lj comment today. i always want to do that, but i'm scared to for some reason, like maybe i won't respond right. i don't know. i'm weird. or i was. or have been and may one day be again.
i perused Gordon Ramsay's Pub menu today, and oh! black truffle and gorgonzola mac and cheese, his famous shepherd's pie, bangers and mash . . . so much stuff to try. and all manner of beers, lagers and ales for doc to try, including 63 on tap. and the staff uniforms are punk inspired. british punk inspired. not the american joke punk look. ooh, green hair means i'm punk. bite me. anywhoo . . . so yeah, i can't wait to go to the pub. though it hardly seems fair to call a 190 seat restaurant a pub. that's what it's called. i will be in Anglophile heaven.
it opened at Caesar's Palace Forum Shops. one of my favorite places on the strip. which is just another bonus.
i should just suck it up and move to the UK, but the weather is horrid. it would bring me down too much. my nan should sent me over when she threatened to. i would still be there, likely on heroin, but in the UK nonetheless. heh.
oh and girls, if you've ever had bad sex, check out "Not Fair" by Lily Allen. hilarious song. and it's set against a modern bluegrass sound, which makes it even funnier. to be honest, every song is making me smile tonight, but this one has me laughing again. i'm going to accidentally wake doc up.
if you have a problem with people yelling at you, assess if you need to stop making them do that. just a bit of random advice.
i need to change the desktop background, but i've only taken pictures of myself today. it's been that kind of day. yes. i admit, i want the cam back. i don't know why. i think it's because i forget so much, the documentation makes me reconnect with myself, the images and the words from here. that is also, curiously enough, why i write down every little detail except things i want to forget. and there are very few things i want to forget.
oh, it's midnight. look at that. time to make some coffee. no. i've only had one pot today, not even that. no vicodin. no soma. no valium. it just occurred to me to purge my system of most chemicals i've been putting in it. don't have any idea why. played with my lip ring today, too. guess i've looked normal long enough. maybe a lip ring with distract from the lack of front teeth. which reminds me, i took my first picture with a slightly open mouthed grin without my fake teeth in for the first time since i lost my teeth. hours later, i'm tempted to take it down, but i'm not going to. strength.
power.
confidence.
i am me with or without teeth and i never have conformed to society's norms of looks or behavior. the teeth thing is hard though. you can see the judgment and dismissal cross people's faces when you open your mouth. and women of fame are embracing this or that flaw . . . no one goes without teeth. so i'm owning it. it's a temporary thing, i will get them replaced when i can afford it. but until then it is me. and i can either hide and be miserable with it, or stand up and fucking smile and be happy in life. what do i care what people think of me at first looks, if they don't care enough to stick around and talk to me, i can't be fucked to care about them.