Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i just recharged my battery

and by that i mean that i sat in the sun for 30 minutes and meditated. i got over my morning panic attack without valium! it took four cigarettes, but i did it. and the sun, as always, felt so-o-o-o-o-o-o good.

that apartment we lived in just became my prison. i hid from the sun. but now, with the patio and the front yard, i just can't stay in. and when it gets too hot, i stay out, but come in and take cool showers. and i feel so much better for it. and i look good with a bit of color to my skin, especially with this blonde hair i'm carrying around now.

so now it's music, email, lj, twitter, make a video. tech fairy took away all my excuses. heh. i have all the hardware i need to make shit and store it and all that.

i've figured out something and it's made me zen with my afternoon naps. i'm just no fucking good from 3pm to 6pm. i'm useless. i can't move or think and i have no creativity or drive. so going to sleep is really the best thing. then i wake up ready for the evening. and the night. the blessed night where i get most of my work done. the busywork i get done during the day, but at night, after doc is gone off to work and Red is asleep, i really rock then.

fuck me, Red is leaving tomorrow. too soon.

"i pull everything inwards, but everything's loose . . ."

i keep putting off the poetry harvesting as if it's some sort of treat i don't want to waste and i want to save until i'm done with everything else. and i was so dreading it the first time i did it. i don't even mind having to redo it all.

i'm so excited about myself for the first time in so long. i don't bore myself anymore. this is a big deal.

the shrink search is going horribly. no one is taking new patients until august or not at all. two of the ones on the list only take geriatric patients. no wonder i'm with an out of network shrink. but i've got to get doc in to see one NOW. he need's anti-anxiety meds, bad. i've got a stash of them i give him, but i'm running out. i'm taking hydroxyzine for anxiety right now and Red just gave me her full script of it so i'm good for a while. but it's past time we get this all sorted and everybody on the right meds.

"we close our eyes and dream, and the world has turned around again . . ."

okay, two more songs after this while i read twitter, then it's time to go to work and create something. i found a shitload of cam archives last night and loaded them on the new hard drive, Blue Max (it's not blue, but i named it after a portable super computer in one of the Han Solo adventures by Brian Daley). i will have so much fun diving through them. i'm expecting massive inspiration from them.

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