i let you inside me
and all i ask of you
is always yours to give
yeah, aborted that one. a little too NIN's "Ringfinger". the chorus wasn't, but i just let it go.
i didn't make a video today. instead of having quiet time and making one, i cleaned the house. i just got this urge. do and i have this agreement where he loads the dishwasher and i empty it. he indicates it is clean to me by putting a Tigger magnet on it and telling me that, "Tigger is in residence". Tigger was in residence, so i emptied the dishwasher. then, while i was up, i decided to dust. then i tidied up some other things and decided to reward myself by scraping my bowl and having some resin. (gets you really high)
so i started looking for my scraping tool, and i couldn't find it on the coffee table where i left it and i noticed that the coffee table was a dusty mess. so i cleaned all the clutter off of it, took everything off, dusted it and then wiped it down with some industrial orange cleaner. then i cluttered it up again.
then i sat down to make a video and that is when Red got up. she's leaving in 6 days, so i want to spend as much time with her as i can before she goes. and she hasn't been feeling well, and has just started to feel better and be herself again. so we went out and BSed until doc came home, then i sat with him and talked for a long time while she used the computer to watch a movie.
then doc and i came in and he used the computer. then it went back to her. i took it occasionally and checked my email, but other than that, they both had it all day. so nothing got done on it. oh, except i did manage to add 30 more songs to my ultimate playlist flash drive. that disk i mentioned i found that i made on my birthday in 2004, there were songs on it that i had lost in computer crashes and apparent hard drive melt downs.
speaking of hard drives, i've kept every one i've ever had, so when TF (Tech Fairy) sent me the hardware, i tried to strip them of their info and not one of them would coopertate. i still keep them and will try again another time. i know there's music to be found. and probably cam images.
and i've lost a LOT of cam images. i always thought i had them backed up or online, and at some point i took them offline and lost them. yay. so i make more. i have a cam on my laptop, that's what i take the daily picture with. the other pictures of me are taken by Red, so expect those to stop. . . that's what i need, someone to follow me around and take pictures. heh. the ego comes right back.
i took my hair down and washed it today and let it dry . . . then went in to check it and was really happy. i had forgotten i got it cut. so i don't look like a damn hippie anymore, my hair has some shape to it now. and i love the blond and the orange together. i'll dye it red soon enough, for right now i'm letting it heal, rubbing it with oils and gels and conditioners and not straightening it. then in a couple weeks i'll dye it. and about three weeks after that, i'll go get it trimmed again.
she's only been here two months and she's brought back my interest in myself. i've been shaving my legs and underarms regularly and using lotion and deodorant. i even wore eye make up to the slam. i likely won't do that again, but it was fun for one night. i didn't like the way the eye shadow looked on me, it was a bit too glitzy. black eyeliner and mascara is enough for me when i wear cosmetics usually, but Red wanted to make me up. so i let her.
i fit into my size 32 waist pants. i've been wearing them for two days. tomorrow i try my skinny jeans on again and see if i can pull them all the way up. so far i can get them to about one inch away from my crotch, i can get them buttoned and zipped and wear them, but they are hip cut and having them ride low in the crotch looks funny. and feels weird.
i've decided to love my muffin-top. i've seen the men that flirt with size 2 Red. and i've seen the people who flirt with me. and i like my crowd better. i tell you what, the one guy from the "I Love Haters Tour", Patrick, if he hadn't been a boy and a poet, i could have fallen for him. he kept eye contact with me most of the time he was on stage. he could have been looking through me, and probably was, but even on the video you can tell he's looking at me. and he was brave enough to try a bacon martini. that impresses me. and his poetry is good. i'll never fall for another poet, though. boy or girl. nope. no artists, either. no musicians, actors, writers . . . none of that. i have learned my lesson. i'm far better off with a slightly anal retentive former deadhead. logical to a fault. my vulcan, doc.
kelli sent me herb seeds for my birthday. tomorrow we're going to plant them in coco, this shredded coconut skin that is very good for plants. we got it from a closed down grow house. we figure if it nurtures pot plants, it will do wonders for cat grass, oregano and chives. then i think we'll trim the palm trees back. summer is almost here and the Family is closing back in around us, which means social occasions and i want to entertain here. the trees have taken over the walkway. they grow so fast. i also need to get some hand clippers and trim back the rose bushes. now that the roses have bloomed, they are just unruly green bushes. or, in the case of the two mixed in with the palms, trees. who plants giant rose bushes next to palm trees (they have strong, sharp barbs on their stems)?
the moon just set centered in the spotlight of the Luxor Hotel, which goes straight up from the top of the pyramid. it was so cool, but i couldn't get a picture of it for you. i tried, but it was too far away and the spot light wasn't showing up right. something you'll have to travel to vegas for. and then hang out in the suburbs of the southeast.
I mentioned the Family earlier. we're still tied to them through three people that are here. when the boys moved, we lost our direct connection. except for the truck, which is marked with Family pride. a couple people have asked doc about it, having seen the markings on cars around here. doc just says he just bought the truck used. it protects us, though. especially because we've got another member of the Family living next door with a bunch of guys. i have his number, francis ever fucks with us, i'm safe as houses, and he's a dead man.
i wouldn't ordinarily be concerned, but he's been driving by the house at odd hours and unless the truck is gone, there is no way of knowing if doc is home, because the scooter is stored in the garage.
speaking of scooters, i'm selling mine. Red won't be needing it. it doesn't go over 30 mph anymore so doc won't drive it because he has his motorcycle license and doesn't have to keep under 30. BJ's son isn't yet driving age, but needs a way to get around, the buses out here just suck for local suburban travel. so i'm selling BJ the scooter for him. kind of a consolation prize for his dad moving out of state. doc has lost three friends to this move. i'm glad they found jobs and are living well, but i miss them and i know doc does, too. he used to spend a lot of time over at their house.
jaysus, i hit shuffle on the media player but it kept all the tori amos together. i can only handle so much of tori's voice before my ears bleed. i got really stoned and popped a couple of vicodin and a valium. yes, i wanted to get fucked up and i promised doc the rest of the beer.
i nicked his weed, all of it. so i'm being punished. i'm his bitch for the forseeable future. heh. it isn't funny that i took it. i feel bad. i feel bad when i'm doing it. i know it is wrong and i fucking do it anyway. it's like i have no self control whatsoever when it comes to weed. i hate that. so i'm cut off. mainly because he's out, but also because i am being punished. he had me answering his phone for him today, just for the fun of it. i can tell he's not furious because normally he wouldn't let me touch his phone, except to call kelli. and he had me answering for him all afternoon. then, when he got tired of me, i went to sleep. now he's sleeping on the couch and i'm trying to type quietly.
i've been so good otherwise. i've been producing writing and jewelry and i'm performing again, not sleeping through the day, doing my chores without being nagged. i've not felt saner for a long time. i know part of it is that all the focus is on Red. and part of it is that i'm getting regular sun now. there have been glitches in my mind, hallucinations, the odd strange mood. but for the most part i've been very happy. plus once i got my ribs taken care of i stopped whining about it. just took my meds and started waiting for it to get better. which is really has. but today Red had the bathtub soaking with this bleach spray stuff and didn't turn the fan on and i didn't know, went in and shut the door, started to pee and cough. the couching wrenched my ribs. i put up with the pain for a few hours, but i choked a hit of resin later and wrenched it again, so that's why i took the vicodin in the first place, i popped two because opiates just don't make me high. but they do make me happy.
i don't actually expect anyone to read this whole thing. i just feel like writing and i hate the word program on here. plus i may just say something pithy that i want other people to be able to see, because i am nothing without your constant and gracious validation.
wow, only 40n miunutes have passed. i feel like i've been writing for hours. maybe that's because i have to keep going back and adding "n"s to words. the key has never worked right, you have to hit it just right and i just never do. so i rely heavily on the auto spell checker to underline my words.
i think sunday i'm going to sit down at the computer desk and get my poetry together again. and not delete it this time. june 12 is coming up faster than i expected. i need time to find, edit and rehearse a piece or two. i think i'm doing "Rage Rover Rant", if it goes well in rehearsal, and one new piece. with "RRR", i can listen to it over and over and note where i emphasized and just get familiar with the emotion of the piece again. if i can do that, i can get a good slam performance. i also have to practice projecting it, so the nearest i can come to memorizing it will be helpful.
i'm going to ask Cactus to video it for me, and i will video the other poets. i have enough SD cards to capture the performances of at least one round. maybe both, if i use all three cards. i want to start doing all i can to promote Las Vegas Slam. which reminds me to scope out a route from the strip to downtown so i can go to the slams there. i think i mentioned that one venue records you and gives you the recording if you stay through the whole slam. that will really push me to give my live performances my all, so i can make an album.
and oh shit, i keep forgetting to record the Pussy Poem and get it online. i have the perfect batch of pictures for the video. i was just thinking about what piece i'm going to make a video for tonight, and i keep wanting to do the PP but i never remember to record it when the house is empty or everyone is in their rooms. so i have to decide which piece to use. *sigh*
doc and I are wondering how this room mate experiment worked out. i mean i got a friend, but he and i are used to living and doing everything a certain way and adjusting hasn't just been hard for me. we could use the extra income, but it's really important we get the right person in here. because aggravation and drama are not worth the money. if we can find someone else like Red, who gets along with me and who i get along with, but maybe just a little bit calmer . . .
no more male room mates. no way. mike taught me that. problem is, i can't stand most women. we got really lucky with Red and i wish she'd just shave her dog and stay. but he's a snow dog and really does need a place where he can go out at any time of the day and run around. the heat wave we had this week put the fear of panting into her. i can understand this. plus it turns out that the aunt she's moving in with needs a companion, so it works out really well for her.
but i will SO miss her. and milo. i'm keeping his board up on pinterest.com and will insist that she send me updated pics of him.
speaking of dogs, i talked to doc about getting one. the only thing stopping us once milo is gone is the $500 deposit we'll need to pay the management company. finding a great rescue dog that's good with cats will be easy. we'll rescue a puppy if we have to (i would rather adopt a mature dog who needs extra love, but the cat's well being is very important to me) and i will crate train it and raise it to be fine with cats. i like the companionship and the safety. and doc likes that the alarms don't wake me, but the dog barking does. i don't want a big dog. but i don't want a small one, either. we can save the money for the deposit in a couple of months. that won't be a problem. that will give us time to sign the lease for another year.
and i'm staritng to get stressed about that. what if we have to leave this fabulous place? no, they would have warned us. and we've found out that so many things were redone here, i don't think the owners can come back for some time. the air conditioner, water heater, carptet and tile flooring are all new. some of the fixtures in the bathrooms, too. i think it was sold to the management company and when they couldn't sell it, they decided to rent it after it had been flipped. so i think we're safe staying here for a while, fingers crossed.
i lost lelu today. there is a hole in the security gate that needs to be patched and she got out through there. wandered around out front for a while and eventually wound up in the garage (we keep the big door open just enough for them to crawl under it). when i went looking for her, freddie was sitting amongst the recycling bins by the hole in the fence and i asked her where lelu was and she looked at the hole. doesn't understand english, my ass. their all aliens, and they understand us perfectly. they are just waiting for the right time to either go home or take over. cats.
2.800 words in and i still don't have a title for this. i'll just keep writing until i come up with one. actually, i've been typing for an hour now and i think i'm going to go have a cigarette and give my fingers a break before continuing this free flow of trivial nonsense. some people speak every thought they have, i just save them up and put them in here. how could anyone read this shite?
here's how the names break down:
howler - evie
freddie - little girl - fredlet - little kitten head
vader - demon boy
felix - babycakes
simon - sai sai - sai - hunney bunny
lelu - lelu dallas multicat - supreme being
bagira - baggy
those are just the names they answer to. most of them answer to the "kitty kitty kitty" call. freddie doesn't like wet food. vader doesn't like treats. simon and bagira will sell their souls for catnip. felix growls when he wants to go out.
howler is curled up on a chair outside. i pet her for a bit and she came over and lay down in my lap for about 15 minutes. then went back to her chair. she has no interest in either leaving the yard or coming in. strange cat. i think her main name is going to become evie because since she got used to stuff around here, she doesn't howl anymore. in fact she rarely meows. when i ask for a chorus at feeding time, she chimes in, but rarely speaks otherwise. and evie fits her better.
tomorrow when it's light, i need to find the catnip sock. there was a stray sock wandering around the house, so Red filled it with catnip (a LOT of catnip) and tied up the end in a knot then tied a ribbon around it. the cats actually fight over it. it's great.
for my birthday, kelli also sent me these two piece, snap together darth vader heads in neon colors. fucking great. but we put one of lelu's cosequin capsues in one to make it rattle and gave it to vader to play with and he got it open a couple of times. kelli suggested we put treats in it, so when he gets it open he gets a treat. so we did that. and he hasn't gotten it open again yet, but i expect him to any time.
doc is up. time to go check the breed report email for jack and spend some quality time with the man who is mad at me. have a great day.