simon and i played "cabinets" today. i smoke at the stove, and he opens the cabinets and lets them slam shut to get attention. i poke my finger at his nose to tell him "no" and he licks my finger and moves on to the next cabinet until i get down on the floor and pay attention to him. then he goes to the couch and falls asleep. or stays awake and watches. hard to know with him. he sleeps with his eyes open.
the cats are all looking out the door to the back yard, but no one is meowing to go out. felix is in a foul mood. he's been out, but he's come right back in.
yesterday is a blur. valium. i dusted and cleaned up and put doc's soup away once it cooled down. doc has discovered the joy of making soup. but i don't remember much else.
today is friday. no NCIS, unless i choose to watch it on my laptop. i think i'll watch torchwood during the day. then i have monty python at night. and maybe the fifth element. i can take a nap while that's on. it makes me happy to sleep to that movie. no matter where i wake up, i can pick up the dialog and plot.
doc has to work today and i want him to take the truck and he is stubbornly insisting on taking the scooter. i think once he wakes up and sees how nasty it is out, he'll change his mind. i worry about the other drivers on the road when he's on his scooter in the rain. he's harder to see and easier to ignore and run over. if anything happened to doc, i would die.
i'm waiting for my meds to take effect, so i'm writing while i'm coherent. i know i made journal entries yesterday, but i don't remember them. i'll go back and read them. likely the rantings of a mad woman.
if the valium is going to make me like this, i need to take some precautions and get myself ready for the day. i can't clean my room on it, i will never remember where i put anything.
how come i can load myself up on 30mg of valium a day but i can't smoke weed? does that seem right? my application for medical marijuana is on its way to me. there's a lot of paperwork involved. they want you fully documented for when the feds arrest you. heh.
doc got me mozarella sticks for dinner last night. they were so good. he's learned i don't eat during the day. the valium takes my appetite away completely. even makes food nauseating. i had to choke down the cheese sticks even though they tasted so good.
i had some ice cream earlier in the day, but i threw it up. so i just didn't eat. doc isn't getting me yogurt anymore because i was living on it. i have to change this around. i want my yogurt. he fought for years to get me to eat yogurt, now that i do, he won't get it for me.
he mentioned something the other day about being tired of it being all on him. i feel bad about that, too. everything that involves outside the house is his domain. all the shopping, all the errands. it's a lot of stuff.
if i got off all these tranqulizers, i'd be able to drive again. but i'd also be such a mess, you wouldn't want me behind the wheel of a car. let alone a truck. i figure on a scooter the most damage i can do is to myself. and at 30mph, that's not a lot.
today i have to look up a pump for a fountain and see if i can replace it. we have these two beautiful fountains but the pumps don't work, so i'm going to replace them and have soothing water sounds in the living room.
i want to light a candle and burn some incense, i think i'll do that. it will help me relax. if that doesn't work, another hot lavender bath will do it. i have two hours until doc gets up for work. he's been getting up earlier and spending time with me. we don't talk about much. he promised me a xmas tree tuesday and it never happened and he didn't even say anything about it. that's just wrong. it's friday now, and i'm still mad over it. so i don't have a lot to say to him in the morning. if i have nothing nice to say . . . you know the rest.
i'm doig okay without the pot. not great, but i'm living and functioning. i'm just not happy about it.
time to go spew on twitter, ANOTHER shooting. this time at a school. who cares how many people are hurt. there was another shooting. it's time for some gun control.