Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i've calmed down and sobered up

okay, so i'm stoned. at least i'm not drunk anymore. that was a shock to my system, it's been so long.

but i've calmed down. i'm going to call mike and ask him nicely if i can have my leather back. if that doesn't work, on to plan B. which involves tuna juice (thank you dear reader). i'm really not ready to go to prison over him, but i could handle a restraining order. i don't plan on terrorizing him long. and who knows, he may just give the leather back to me. i don't see that happening. i don't see him admitting it. but i will give him a chance.

i watched muppet xmas carol again. it made me happy. so i tweeted paul williams and told him i loved him and he is amazingly talented and thanked him for the years of joy. he "favorited" my tweet. that is so cool.

so i've got this back up leather with a history all its own. but i don't know any of it. so i have to make a little myself. i will wear it everywhere and let it absorb my experiences. it will never be soft like mine was. but i can get the buttons, well, buttons. not the same ones. the dead kennedy's one i made myself. the chain maile will be harder to replace. i don't know anyone who makes it and i am completely inept at it. it was just a swatch i pinned onto the shoulder, but it was protective, and cool. and it kept me from draping my messenger bag over my weak shoulder.

very few possessions mean that much to me. things i have that i love, sure, but i could pack them away for years being content knowing i have them. but that leather was an active part of my winter life. in my youth i always had it on, no matter the temperature, though i lived in PA at the time. it's like taking my doc martens, that would slay me. i wear those everywhere, have for 15 years. actually, more than that. jesus.

the rest of what i own, i was planning to leave in storage when i go. i don't want to take anything valuable or precious because the chances are too high that something bad will happen to them.

speaking of . . . as far as i can find out, there are waiting lists for group homes. which would work because that would give doc time to find a roommate. he'll need to make up the income he loses from me.

i get to live with crazy people. yay. i hate crazy people. i hate myself, i'm not limited.

doc thought i was going to have the doctor check me into the hospital when i went for my appointment. if i keep spinning out of control, that might be a good idea. i have bad thoughts and i really don't want to get to the point of acting on them unless i'm in a place i'm protected. there's too much stuff to hurt myself with here and i am unsupervised all the time.

if i do snap and hurt mike, at least i'll have insanity on my side. but i really don't see that happening. first of all, i'd have to leave the house. that's a huge obstacle i don't think is worth conquering just for him.

time for news and burn notice. after that, tv goes to shit. but until 8 i'm set. then at 8 maybe i can find some festive thing to watch. i still haven't seen white christmas, and that is a must.

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