the worst question you can ask me, if you want to hurt me (secret time), ask me if i've had my meds today. it makes me feel i'm not worth talking to without the chemicals. like i'm less than something if the meds aren't in me. any time someone can't handle what i'm saying, they ask if i've had my meds out. like a dismissal to come back once i'm medicated.
and i feel bad enough about my meds. i hate being reliant on them. i hate myself that i can't deal without them. but i'm not less of a caring person without them. the only person i hurt without them is myself. so i take them. and STILL, whenever i am hard to deal with, that is the first fucking question. it hurts.
it also hurts that i found a group i thought i fit in with and i'm still an outsider because they list the biggest fault along side mental illness. and it pisses me off. it's the only thing i am constantly sensitive about.
being psychotic and simply deluded are two entirely different things. people in general fail to see this. sick is sick. and all the sick must be the same. why do crazy people think they're jesus? because he has the most power over the most people. it has nothing to do with religion or belief. it is a sickness that makes you crave power and attention. you feel invisible.
i've never thought i was jesus. but i did think i was god's gift to the world for a while. but after a while of dealing with this kind of bullshit i just feel . . . subhuman.
who would want to make another person feel that way? someone who willfully does not understand mental illness.
there is no such thing as an enlightened person. it's a fallacious as god to me. one course of intelligent thought is always roadblocked by some prejudice or stupidity.
atheists are no different than anyone else.