i've given up on finding love again in my life. i can't ask anyone to put up with what doc does. and why he does is beyond me. and i almost walked away from that this summer. where was i? what is my fucking problem?
i'd like to become better so he can have a girlfriend. he deserves to fall in love. it will kill me when he does, but i've taken enough from him, i want to leave something left for the next girl.
i know i drain him.
i think i'm adapting to my meds again. i'm getting too psychotic at times. and i'm taking my meds regularly. my sleep schedule, while erratic, allows me 8 hours a day now, i should be stabilizing but i'm getting worse. i see the doctor december 11 and i might call and make it earlier. but i'm afraid of changing my meds again. unless something new has come out since. i should check the price on invega and see if that is an option for me yet or not. the last time i checked, it was $300 a month, and i can't afford that. not even close. i can't afford the meds i'm on. i paid for them out of my check this month, but doc had to cover part of my rent.
and i need to balance out some. i need to get to the point where i can leave the house again. i'm having problems getting the mail lately. the idea of walking somewhere is terrifying. the prospect of having a job makes me want to weep. but i need to get a job. again, that raises its ugly head. if i cen just get my meds straight again. then things will be easier and maybe i'll stop crying out of nowhere for no reason.