Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i finally did the ironing. it took me an hour. i'm never letting it go that long again. as much as i hate ironing, i can't be doing it for an hour straight.

i have a shrink appointment tomorrow and i have to tell him that even on my new meds, i'm still dangerously depressed. he's going to tell me again that he wants me in therapy. i guess i need to pay closer attention to the bus routes tomorrow. it's time i figured out how to get there on my own. that way i can start going back to therapy.

i have to start being more independent. i no longer like being so dependent on doc. and he's so passive aggressive about it, it ends up a miserable experience. no matter what we're doing. if he has to take the lead, it makes him mad.

to be fair, 11 years ago, when i wanted to move out here, i promised him i would be better. and i've been worse. i was okay while kelli was here. mostly. i wish she'd move back. why does her whole family have to live in the same area? and why does it have to be so far away?

doc is looking into getting a small used truck. that's incentive enough for me to get my license back. that would be so ideal, driving again. then i could drive to the shrink. when we had a car, i was way more independent.

i'm so lost i my own head right now i can't even concentrate on this entry. i even went and cut all my nails off so i could type again so i could keep up with my thoughts. but the things i'm thinking i don't want to write down. it's all circular and maze-like.

the local poetry reading starts in three minutes. i wish i still had enough passion to write. at this point, it's been years, i could still read my old stuff and it would be new to the new audience. i can't believe i've spent so many years hiding in this apartment. such a wasted life.

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