i could just be suffering from PMS, or During MS. i've had the worst cramps in the world for three days now. today i took some pain reliever before they could start.
i've been dreaming about the hospital. day dreaming about it, too. it's been a long time since i was put away last. in fact, it was my trip to rehab, for all the good that did. they over medicated me and made me fill out some workbook. plus i wasn't taken seriously because my only addiction was/is pot. that's easy to them, just quit.
but i was talking about the hospital. i don't know what i think they could do for me there. i know if i OD, i'll end up there, and i don't want to go. but it's been on my mind a lot. there's something freeing in losing everything for a while. what do i do at home? smoke pot? none of that there. smoke breaks every two hours. no news, no cable. getting up very early in the morning, being fed regularly. i'm really sick. part of me thinks i belong in a long term facility, drugged to within an inch of my life. i just know i don't belong here. i'm a danger to myself. not all the time, i'm not motivated enough and i worry about who would take care of the cats. but i'm not stable by any means.
maybe i'm this way today because i'm not stoned. but i don't see how smoking would make things better. it's a depressant, i don't need any more of that. i want to take an ephedrine, but that goes counter to wanting to sleep. i've already done my chores, there's nothing left for me ahead but hours of repetitive news.
i could go for a walk, but i don't really want a soda. and i really don't want to go for a walk. the thought of the bright sun in my eyes is too much for me to bear. it's so much worse with photophobia. i close my eyes and everything is bright red, the light pierces my lids. i end up closing my eyes while i'm walking, which isn't the least bit smart or safe. maybe at sunset i'll go.