Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

mid 90s today

today is not a good day. i woke up in bed. hate. M had company over last night so i couldn't sleep on the couch. i woke up late. i begged doc to stay home with me today and keep me from taking a bottle of xanax. he said no. he says it's because he has nothing to do here. which is wrong. he has plenty to do. he has messes to clean up and mail from four years ago to go through.

all this stuff. and i can't get to my stuff to clean it out because his mess is in the way. so he tells me i have projects to do today, and i have none. not unless i move all of his stuff to the living room and pile it up so i can get to my stuff. which would not make him happy.

freddie and felix started playing with each other today. they played a prolonged game of chase and pounce. this makes me happy. leeloo has already accepted freddie and now felix has. it's just up to jack now.

they announced an express to downtown on the bus, and i told doc that i wanted to use it to go down to First Friday every month. he told me i couldn't go alone. so that's the strip i'm not allowed to go to and freemont street. it isn't like he'll go with me and i don't have anyone else to go to these places with. stuck in the las vegas suburbs. which makes it just like every place i've ever lived before. las vegas may as well not even exist in my world. so glad i moved here. i could be in any southern city in the west. i moved to sin city for a reason. my obsession with the strip and my later love of freemont street and the First Friday celebrations downtown.

i'm sad today. without hope. i just don't care anymore what happens to me. nothing matters. nothing changes. everytime i find something i want to do, i'm not allowed unless it's in this house or at the corner store. i can't live like this anymore. one day is the next, and will never change.

our checking account is overdrawn and of course it's all my fault. i don't even care. i get blamed for everything bad anyway, doc is never at fault for anything. it must be nice. and since i'm insane, i have no defense. he tells me my memory is faulty. even when it isn't. i can't take this anymore. i feel like a prisoner of my own mind, and i can't take it any more.
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