talking to doc is getting more like talking to a wall. i think i'll retake up my policy of not speaking unless being spoken to. that worked pretty well for me in the past and i can't handle his rejection by not listening or responding to me. i can tell he doesn't want to go to the mammogram appointment with me. if i could get there on my own, i would. i don't need him at these appointments. he could care less what's going on with me. and i don't want him around if he's not going to at least try to make me feel better. just a simple, "it will be okay" is all i want. nothing.
i can't wait until kelli gets here in the fall. that will be a fun week. it will be a vacation for both of us. i can get out of the house with someone i feel safe with and have some fun. maybe go to the double down saloon, maybe down to the strip to see what a circus it's become. they say it's changed a lot in the past five years and i haven't been down there for double that almost. i want to see the fountains at the bellagio again. and the light of the luxor, shooting up into space. and to have kelli here will be pure joy. it's hard to live so far away from my best friend.