Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

today's complaint about doc

if he tells me to leave him alone one more time, i'm leaving him. i'll give up my cats and my cable and my cigarettes and coffee and most of my stuff to move across country to kelli's. i really don't want to but i can't handle the constant rejection. it wears on me. my self esteem isn't good to begin with and when i do stuff for him and try to do everything right just to be told to leave him alone, fuck him. fuck him up the ass with a chainsaw. that would shut him up. he'd never put me down again. see, that's why i have to leave. i just get more and more violent feelings toward him. he's been through a lot, but he's rude to me every chance he gets. he asks me to get him up and i do and he gets mad. i don't know what to do anymore except sit here in my impotent rage.

and i can't tell him to leave me alone because he'll get all upset about it. he'll say no and keep harassing me. why does he have to be a cock about everything? he can't just be a human being. he has to be mean to everyone. which i don't care about. it's embarrassing, but as long as it's not directed at me, i'm fine with it. when no one else is around, all he's left with is me. and i'm tired of taking it.

i'm crazy, not bad. i'm not a bad person. i may be unbalanced and a bit scary at times, but i'm on my meds now and i'm much better than i was, say, ten years ago. even then i wasn't a bad person, but back then, doc was still in love with me. now he's not and he doesn't mind showing his hatred for me whenever he can.

now he comes out like nothing is wrong. talking to me. i just want to beat him in the face. i want to give him a black eye and break his jaw. i want to hurt him the way he hurts me.
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