Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

windless, warm, beautifully sunny

i had a bad dream about doc. we were fighting. it sucked. when i woke up from it at nine, i got right up. i didn't want to go to sleep and possibly back into that mess.

because i'm on medicare, i got an AARP card in the mail. i think i'm going to join for a year and see what i learn.

it's time for me to stop dicking around and find my skinny clothes buried in my closet. they'll be too big on me, but not as big as what i'm wearing now. i also need to stop putting it off and get new unders and bras. they both hang off me and several pair of unders simply won't stay up. i know i have a collection of wife beaters and camo pants. and two pair of really cool pants that never did fit me that will fit me now. and my black stretch satin jeans. i miss those and i know they would droop on me now. tonight when doc goes to work, i'll go dig in the closet and see what i can find. all my efforts thus far have been half hearted and i know the skinny stuff is at the bottom because it was the least likely ever to be used again.

i should also start working out and see how much of this loose skin i can get rid of. i have a john doe tank top that shows my belly that was signed by him (the shirt, not my belly). now that my hair is short and won't cover up the autograph, i'd like to wear the top. i also have a rollins shirt that shows my belly, just barely. i want to wear that one too. all my cool clothes are skinny clothes. the one pair of pants i have are stephen sprouse inspired with big hand written block letters. mine don't spell anything, not like sprouse's did. but i got them for $15 new. and i still haven't worn them. i have two belts, a thick black one with holes in it every inch or so at the top and bottom middle. and i have another one that is off white, weathered looking which has holes down the middle. i like belts with holes in them.

i should actually find the black one and wear it with these jeans so they stop sliding down when i walk. i like to wear my pants on my hips, not my butt. i don't even have a butt. it's completely flat back there. embarrassing, really. i can't see myself getting naked in front of anyone ever again. i lost the weight too fast. but i still don't know how i lost the weight. and how i'm still losing. i can see shedding 60 pounds of the seroquel weight when i stopped taking that, but it's a hundred and ten now, i weigh 120. that's ten pounds in one month. i can't stand to see myself naked, my ribs stick out but my belly is still fat and my hips are too big and that's all i see. that's not good. i need to get my body image in check. it was never all that important to me through high school or college, it seems the later in life i get, the more obsessed with my looks i am. i'm not slathering myself in anti aging stuff, i don't even have crow's feet yet. i'm not a wrinkled person. i'm 5'7", so 120 shouldn't really be a big deal. it's not like i'm some towering giraffe.

felix went out again last night. M let him in when he came home. at least he's not staying out all night.

jack has an infected eye. we're going to have to take him to the vet to get it checked out. first it was watery discharge, then his inner eyelid got all red and he started squinting and rubbing at it. then the discharge got milky and goopy. today he looks better, not squinting as much and no goop. i'm beginning to think that the $179 per month pet insurance would have been a good idea. though it won't help with feral cat. that bill we'll have to eat either way. tonight, i get the cage involved. i prop it open and put the food about half way in and see if he eats it. if not, i'll start using wet food to lure him into the cage. no one can resist the call of the wet food and i haven't found a flavor he doesn't like. i still won't name him until i find out if it's a she. and i know a little bit more about him. i have a feeling he will be called demon or damien or beelzebub. something fitting his personality. i'm sure hellcat will be used as a common nickname.

why are all the cats getting sick now? leeloo, the oldest by far, is perfectly healthy. jack is only 6 and felix is 3. granted, felix isn't sick, he just needs tests and shots. i'm glad we have a bit of money put away and can afford this sudden expense. afford it and still pay rent. which is what matters.

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