the cable isn't working today. there are no channels, just black. this sent me into a tizzy. i'm watching my firefly DVDs. i can't just have nothing on, i'll go crazy. i need the noise and the picture to be moving. it makes me feel less alone and takes my head out of itself sometimes. that's one of the things that's so hard in the hospital, there is no just watching tv. there is always something going on. and you can't watch news. i had a dream last night i was in the hospital. i was scared the whole time. you've no idea what a relief it was to open my eyes and see felix next to my face. i love that cat more each day.
my goal is to stay out of the hospital as long as i can. i may have to go back to solidify my place as disabled. it's been 2 years since i was in rehab and that was the last time i went. i've been much more stable but i don't think i could hold down a job. i'd like to try, i'm afraid i'll fail. and fail in a spectacular way. my memory sucks, especially short term and that's not good for much. i want to work at the shiny new 7-11 i keep going to up the street, but i'm afraid to apply. plus i don't know where my social security card is.
doc bought ma a miniature rose bush at the dollar store. it has two red blooms on it now ans about five more ready to bloom. i hope they get a chance to before i kill it. i'm just not good with plants. i love them and i love to care for them but i am poison to them. it's a really pretty full bush, complete with tiny little thorns. it's so cute. i have to transfer it to another pot soon. i have just the one in mind. it's one that doc picked out and brought home and it is very pretty. doc has really good taste. i should have let him decorate. we certainly wouldn't have a giant pooh bear in a wizard costume sitting on top of the stereo, framing chloe's shrine.
the hardware store was out of humane traps. i'm working on feeding feral cat up on the porch so he'll be a little more trustful and it might be possible to trap him. i just want to get him to the vet and find out if he's sick, so i can have felix tested if need be. actually, should feral cat be sick, we should have jack and leeloo tested too. i hope feral cat isn't sick. i hope he's just wounded and healthy otherwise. the idea of having to put down any of my cats because of a stray felix was playing with makes me ill. just more reason to get him trapped and checked out.
the cable is back on. back to my 24 hour news cycle. well, it's not actually 24 hours, is it? it's news during the day, commentary all night and no more news until another commentary show at 3am. then it starts all over again. weekends are devoid of new news. they play any manner of show that has nothing to do with what's going on in the world right now.