Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

it's nice out, get it?

i just got up, late. i went to bed at one, so i'd be up before doc went to bed. then i slept in and when i woke at 9, doc was already in bed. so i went back to sleep. now i'm up and doc isn't and i'm not having a panic attack. i'm really calm, actually. still half asleep, but calm. this is a change. has he driven me crazy enough that i'm actually relieved when he's not around? it's about time. i'm not miserable when he's around, just uncomfortable. "don't do this, don't do that" is what i hear. i tell him i don't want to be treated as a child and he tells me i act like a child. same argument i got from my parents about the same issue. my maturity level has not thus far affected my survival. eating a couple handfuls of fruit loops without milk is not going to kill me. and it's certainly no reason to pick a fight. how i eat my cereal should be none of his business anyway.

can the royal wedding be over now? i know it's over, but it isn't, see? it goes on.

yesterday was such a disappointment, the shuttle launch was scrubbed. that's what i was waiting for. some manned space flight. since they are so busy talking about the damn wedding, i don't even know why the mission was postponed. the main thing i disagree with obama on, the thing i hold a grudge about is stopping manned space flight. a big disappointment for me. i love space. i love sci fi. i love sci non fi.

i'm feeling lucid today, does it show in my writing? i don't know. no paranoia, no delusions (no "compound" or "space ship"). just me. who am i? what am i about? what are my interests? no good answers, but some good questions to start off with.

the coffee is good today. hazelnut. the flavor doc and i met over. i was working in a coffee house/cafe and he came in. hazelnut was the flavor of the day. we started talking and hit it off immediately. that was a weird night. i had a stalker after that so things just got weirder for a while. it was never a normal relationship. sure we took vacations to the jersey shore to his parent's place there. taking the dogs to the beach and letting them play in the mud in the bay until they were both covered with thick black mud. then hosing them off. those were fun summers. the coffee reminds me of all of that and it surprises me that i have so many memories of the time. no specifics, i don't know the conversations that went on, but i do have memories of the shore house and the start of my relationship with doc.

i have no concept of time. days pass in a blur of inactivity. my memory now is bad. swiss cheese. i wish i'd never had Electro Convulsive Therapy. if i could take back one thing in my life it would be that. that's when things went down hill with doc and with my life. memory is important, kids. especially short term. when i'm old and have nothing but my memories, i'll have a blank slate. i guess at that point i can make it up as i go along.

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