doc removed the curtain over the corner of the sliding glass door. the brightness throws me off and makes my head hurt. he also put the space heater on the coffee table. it's throwing me off, too. to say i don't like change would be wrong. i don't like small changes, big ones, i'm okay with. the chair is on its side, awaiting a fixit job. that really gets to me. every time i see it out of the corner of my eye, i think someone is in the chair. which would be weird. these small changes make me feel uncomfortable in the living room and i want to put everything back. but i can't. everything is where it is for a reason, doc's reason. i don't argue with doc's reason if i can help it.
humbling story: i thought i was being so creative with my name, cydniey buffers. i did a google search the other day and found that in Sydney, there is a sport team called the Buffers. so they are the sydney buffers. nice. i'm beginning to think i'm not unique at all. different, yes. unique? not so much. that will teach me to do a search the next time i happen to choose a last name.
jack just wandered in looking bored. the other two are hiding, asleep somewhere. i imagine tech is sleeping, too, or jack would be following him around everywhere and trying to cuddle with him. jack was the same way with henry. we faced long ago we have a gay cat. we try not to think about it. doc won't let me paint his nails or put sequins on him. the cat, i mean. not doc. though i'm not allowed to paint his nails or put sequins on him, either. that would be bad. funny, but bad.
there was a massive outdoor roach crawling on our wall the other night. i let the cats play with it. doc found it dead the next day in the kitchen. good kitties. our personal roach problem went away. i don't know why, but about 6 weeks after the exterminator was here they just disappeared. it was never a big problem. just a few roaches and we never found an infestation and we keep everything clean. i guess they got tired of dying up here and went somewhere they could eat and breed in peace. best thing is no more poison spray around the cats. we sprayed those roaches with everything we could buy to do it. we locked the cats up when we sprayed, and then didn't let them into the kitchen while it dried. i was very conscious of it, like i tend to be with the cats. the last thing i want to do is make them sick somehow. they're my babies.
i was thinking the other day, when i noticed i have no where near as much grey hair as my mom did at my age, about how i didn't have kids. and how i don't regret the decision at all. i missed out on a lot of stuff i have absolutely no interest in. instead i get to be worry free about them growing up and needing money and college and all that rot. i admire those who are brave enough to have kids. the experiences you have have no equal. the bravery and selflessness that comes with parenthood are precious commodities. i don't have that selflessness. my mom once told me she was way too selfish to have kids, but she did anyway. and in my opinion, she fucked it all up. i didn't want to be that kind of mother. doc would have been a great father, i just didn't have it in me to have kids and he never showed any interest in it.