Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

cloudy

last night was torture. there was nothing on tv and i was bored out of my mind. i slept from 10 to 12:30 on the couch and then went to bed at one. i slept until 10:30 for some reason. i woke up in a panic and sent a couch sleeping doc to bed. i'm still in a panic and about ready to take another xanax. that being done, i should finally relax.i tried to meditate but my monkey brain is on meth and i can't shut it up.

help, i'm lost inside my fantasy world. i can step out to do chores, but mostly i'm just lost inside my own head because it's more pleasant in there. doc still doesn't love me but i pretend he's not around. i pretend i'm in a locked american compound in a strange country. i pretend i'm in a space ship. i pretend i'm anywhere but here.

it's coffee time. that's better. maybe i'll feel more awake, the xanax does make me a bit droopy. and the antipsychotic makes me droopier. i will sleep on this couch at some point. maybe while i type this. no, i think i can keep it together to finish a journal entry. i'm not even sure how much more i want to say or have to say.

we're going to go get a new hamster this week. with hamsters i've learned to move on quickly and get a new beast to love. this time i'm not getting a dwarf hamster. she was too twitchy and bitey. the larger breeds are more calm about being handled. i want a monster hamster like didi was. i even have a name picked out: i'ng. works for a boy or girl for me. even though it's technically a girl's name.

i've finally calmed down. i wonder if i should set my alarm for 9 every day. felix hasn't been waking me up like he was. even an hour with doc helps calm me. though he makes me nervous. it's a low level nervousness that i can usually cope with. and he is fun in the mornings, when he's just starting to get tired. and i'm just waking up so he talks to me and i only get half of it. but if he's already asleep, i panic. i still don't know why. i guess i'm afraid i'm missing something, something he needs to tell me that he can't remember because he's sleep walking. he was coherent enough to get me the tax papers. he'll get his taxes in on time this year.

kelli is coming to visit in a few months! i must keep my eye on the prize. best friend, in town, much fun. she's coming to visit this fall. she loves the weather here in the fall. who am i to argue? i love fall here.
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