Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

warming to the 90s

i just got up and doc is out running errands and M is in his room. i'm effectively alone without a sleeping doc in the other room. i feel a sense of freedom. and relief. my xanax will have kicked in by the time he gets home. he's usually all wound up and it helps if i'm calm and not nervous or it gets to me.

felix has spent the last two nights home. he spent last night in bed with me. i went to bed early, around 2. felix came in with me and nuzzled up to my face while i fell asleep. it was so cute. and his was the first voice i heard when i woke up. just a little mew. a small "good morning" from my lovey kitty. i've been trying to keep him engaged during the times he usually goes out. it seems to be working. i know he'll go out again, but my point is to make it as wonderful for him here as it can be so he keeps coming back home. it would kill me if he adopted another family.

my search for interests is going slowly. i've been playing on google to see if i can find something, anything i want to read. i thought about just going to wikipedia and losing myself in the links. i have a million self help and recovery books i need to read, but i can't concentrate on that, i just can't concentrate period.

now M's gone out and i am completely alone. i want to run around naked. i'd burn some nag champa but i'm out of it, i'm hoping doc brings some home. tech is howling for M in his bedroom. such pitiful sounds from the big tough monstercat. why do i feel so relieved when i'm alone? i'm so afraid of so much stuff, but i like being alone. even though i'm mostly alone all day with doc asleep and M in his room. no one bugs me and i can do what i want. but it isn't the same. i can talk to myself when i'm alone without pretending to be talking to the cats. i don't do that when people are around because it makes them nervous and scared of me. and it worries doc. i don't know how bad i've freaked M out, he's heard a few outbursts and seen me rocking back and forth, but i don't know if he just takes it in stride. he's so mellow and laid back.

i just ground coffee without worrying about waking anyone up. this rocks. i'm counting on doc getting home soon, i just made a pot of coffee with only one cup's worth of milk left. he's bringing milk home.

i finally cut my nails so i can type again. i hate cutting my nails, it skeeves me out, so i don't do it as often as i should and usually finally break down when i can't type with the nails anymore. that day was yesterday. i'd finally had enough. so i cut my nails, and in record time, too. now i can feel the keys again and my fingers don't slip off the right keys anymore.

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