Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

81 degrees, windy

i tried to write a poem about chloe but it sounded so trite i deleted it. i asked doc today if he had seen the paw print and he asked me, "what part of i don't want to deal with this now aren't you getting? but that's cool." i want to take it out and hold it, cling to it, but i'm afraid of how he would react if he got up and saw me with it when he's not ready to deal with it yet. i can't believe she is gone.

it's kelli's birthday today. happy birthday kelli. she's coming out to visit in the fall. supposedly, we will have moved by then. that will be a fun week. i just hope i can stay skinny until then. it also means i need to get my ID renewed so we can go to the double down saloon. it's been a long long time since i've been there. it's been a long long time since kelli was here. the two may be connected. that's something to look forward to.

and i need things to look forward to, today. i feel completely hopeless and worthless. i couldn't save henry, i couldn't save chloe. doc doesn't love me anymore. i can't write. that half bottle of xanax bars is looking more and more inviting. i'm just pathetic today. tonight is doc's friday, all i have to do is hold on today and tonight and i'll have doc around for three days. maybe i'll sleep today for a little while. while CNN drones on in the background. i will absorb the information in my semi nap like state.

i slept that way for an hour yesterday afternoon and again through letterman and craig ferguson before i watched an update on BBC world news at two in the morning. then i went to bed and slept until nine thirty. doc actually woke me up, though he didn't mean to. he was in the room being quiet but it woke me up anyway because i didn't leave the fifth element on last night, so it was silent in the bedroom. i sleep through the night now, so it really doesn't bother me how early i get up. it's nice not to wake up in the middle of the night, fresh from some weird dream.

we haven't done any of the cleaning out that would precipitate a move. doc keeps mentioning it and wants me to talk to M about it, but i don't see anything progressing. we haven't even considered where to look for a new place. nor have we considered not being able to pass the credit checks. i fear we may be stuck here another year. and as long as we actually clean it out, it wouldn't be that bad. but then, i'm resistant to change. i could just be happy here. but doc hates it and M hates it and that out votes me. i just hate moving. we moved all the time when i was a kid and i grew to hate it. but who really likes it? i've never met anyone who enjoyed it. i think if i follow through and end up with less stuff, it will make the whole thing easier. i just have too much shit. i'm not really a hoarder, and if doc would make it easy, i would purge my belongings. but he doesn't make it easy and once the stuff is bagged up, there's a problem with getting it out of the apartment. i have three piles, keep, donate, trash. and they're just piling up. doc wants to know what i'm throwing away before i throw it away and i hate that. he can't let anything go, luckily he doesn't acquire much.

it's terrifying to me what is happening in the world now. the precedent being set in north africa that you can just slaughter your people and the world will do nothing about it. the nuclear crisis in japan and tepco and the government not being forthcoming about just what is going on. not that i'm afraid of nuclear fallout near me or america, but i worry about our troops who are over there just trying to help. and the people of japan, who have been through enough. it's way past time for the IAEA to step in and try to help. how the lies of leaders are hurting their people in the world right now is scary to me. it's not right. and there's not a thing we can do. look at wisconsin, all the protests, all for nothing. the governor still managed to weasel in his goal and prove himself a liar and there isn't a thing we can do about it. he's an elected official. and the way people can lie blows me away. i just have no faith in people any more.

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