Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

another sunday

i finally took down my xmas tree. i miss the lights. it was just a tree with lights. it was pretty. now it's in a box in the dark and cold of the closet. we were playing Hemp Farmer and i planted all the plots with a plant called holiday which is little red and white christmas trees. doc laughed at me about it and i told him i missed my xmas tree. last night he planted silver star, which is little silver and white trees for me to harvest this morning. but i didn't harvest when i got up and he ended up doing it, when i spied the screen full of wee silver xmas trees i laughed at him for it and he told me he thought i would be harvesting it. why does he do these little nice things for me? it confuses me because what he says is so opposite. it makes me angry at him. it's all part of his plot to make me feel at ease so i don't see it coming when he goes off on me. and now he just brought me home chocolate donuts from the store. why does he do this?

a couple of nights ago i got it into my head to walk up and get myself a western cheeseburger. it was after dark but i thought i would be fine. but there were people in the shadows and the lights from the cars blinded me and it was so not worth it. it was the worst experience in my life. i came home and sat in the bedroom and sobbed. by the time i calmed down enough to eat, the burger was cold. and doc tells me i should go to my doctor's appointment alone in two weeks, suggesting i take the scooter. why would he do that? abandon me, i don't know the way to the doctors, let alone on the scooter, which involves back streets. what if he really doesn't take me? what do i do? i can't get there on my own and i have to get there to get my prescriptions for the next three months, this is not an appointment i can blow off.

i'm so confused. and it makes me angry. so i've been lashing out at him when i don't mean to because everything he does infuriates me now. he's so contrary, such a hypocrite . . . i don't know what to make of it.

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