Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers


i'm up and out of bed. i've been awake for almost an hour and now i'm freaking out. i was okay in bed. i was cuddling with felix and i was fine. now i'm on the couch, i've made myself some coffee and i am well into my daily morning freakout. i hate waking up like this. i can't think straight and i'm shaking. my heart is pounding and i want to run away.

my thought is that i can type through it. but i don't think that's going to work unless i can type the half hour it will take for the xanax to kick in. i can't right now think of a time i won't feel like this. it seems like it will last forever and i know it won't. i hope it won't. it feels like something is hanging over my head . . . just through that doorway someone is waiting to yell at and blame me for something. in the next room is a person who will talk to me and expect me to understand things and my head is just too foggy to comprehend so i have to pray he doesn't wake up until this has passed, and this will pass, right?

i need to call the eye doctor today. that is the thing hanging over my head. i can't do it until i'm more together, i've forced myself to do important shit in this state of mind and fucked it all up.

i feel guilt. non stop guilt when i'm like this.

and i'm out of anti psychotics again. three months ago i went through that withdrawal. i'm hoping i don't have to do it again. i know if i do, not to keep doc here with me. unless i'm really unstable and need to be watched. seeing me in a state puts him in a state and makes me worse. best to let him go to work and not even bother him with it. my meds will be here any day.

incense. i need some nag champa. that's better. as long as he's asleep, i can burn all the incense i want to. when he's up it bugs his sinuses. my fear of him needs to go. no matter how it manifests. no matter if it's the ginger way i climb over him to get out of bed, careful not to move fast or touch him or the way i keep quiet out here so as not to wake him up. it's all about keeping him asleep as long as possible.

now it's been an hour since i got up, actually a bit over. the xanax is working and i'm starting to feel better. i still want to get to a place where this doesn't happen in the morning. at least not every morning. it went away for a while and now it's back stronger than before. maybe it's a med thing. it's been 24 hours since i had an anti psychotic and they don't stay built up in the system that i know of. i start getting squirrelly really quickly, it amazes me how quickly the symptoms return. and the paranoia, i can take anything but the paranoia. it's never been a big part of things, but it is now. doc is out to get me, ready to pounce at any moment. i can't take it. never knowing what is real. not good.

i had a good dream night before last. it was right before i woke up for the day and i couldn't hold on to any images or anything solid, i could remember that it was good and my panic attack was nowhere near as bad as today.

that's what i would wish for for 2011 . . . an end to the madness. some abatement in symptoms, eventual reduction of medication. now i know that isn't going to happen, but it's what i would wish for. what i'll likely have is another state interview to assure them i am mad so they can continue paying me for being so. finally changing my appointments with my shrink so i have medication overlap and can maybe get a part time job. maybe cleaning up and stocking one of the corner stores. i don't know if i could handle working with money. all the numbers and the speed and people might get to me. i'm better off making coffee and mopping up. maybe that will help me be better. maybe it will be a disaster. i've been without a job for ten years, it may be time i tried it again.

i have successfully typed through the bad part. i'm going to go have a ciggy and listen to my heart not pound in my chest.

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