Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

thank some diety for xanax

i'm calmer now. no matter what i blurt out, i still hold out some hope. he has his own reasons to be mad right now and not at me. i'm just catching the brunt of it. it doesn't make it any easier to take, but may somewhere down the line give me some perspective. right now i just think it's another excuse to be mean to me and put me down.

i've got patience, but it really is running out and quickly. i'd have to get a social worker to handle my checks. i can probably find a place downtown that i can afford and have some money left over to live. i'd lose my insurance, but i have medicare, so that would handle psychiatrists. i'd have to go off meds, i can't afford that on my own. but how bad could that be? no cable, no internet. but doc it threatening that now. he wants to get rid of the digital box, which i use to watch or listen to BBC america on a daily basis. i can't imagine most of this. any of it. i'd have to take felix with me.

suddenly a little bullying and belittling don't seem so bad compared to a studio in the ghetto with my cat and no contact with the outside world. but that's not the point. i need to do what's best for me in the long run. i'm over 40, crazy as a loon and have been out of the job market for over ten years. where do i want to be in ten years? in a relationship built on convenience, maintained on sameness and barely civil? i don't think so.

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