Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

still as grey, not so dreary

it's supposed to rain all week until xmas eve. we'll finish the year up on rain, it looks like. it's seems like it's been a wet year, aside from summer. though we've only collected the average amount of rain. it was a rough summer, though. i couldn't wait for it to end and now that it has i'm reveling in the chill in the air and the bare trees. the christmas lights set up around the complex make things pretty. some families went all out with the small spaces they had to work with. speaking of, i'm really glad i put my tree up. the glow of the lights really calms me down and puts me in a good mood.

felix and i are finally starting to learn each other's more complicated cues. today he responded to my moving my leg, which he was sleeping on, by coming up to my head and curling up next to my face, which is what i wanted him to do. in turn i later learned another way he'll tolerate being picked up and held. i can't believe we've had him over a year. this year i think he's getting a collar for xmas. i need to remind doc. i don't care what color it is or what it looks like as long as it's a safety collar. he gets into too much shit to not have a safety collar on, yes, i believe he is capable of hanging himself out of sheer stupidity.

i'm waiting for M's clothes to dry to see how the dryer is working. doc suspects it is not. so i'm waiting to see a verdict here before i go up to the office and tell them about it and return to the smoking hostage situation until maintenance comes, which will be after the holiday, but they won't tell me that or give me an "about when" on the worker's arrival. when we move, i hope it's into a newly refurbished unit. i can't wait to move.

i made the mistake of asking doc when he wanted me to get him up. once it was established he was still awake, he rattled off all manner of information for me to take in and do something with. that started the panic, which just went up for some reason. i'm still trying to shake it. this feeling of dread hangs over me, like i've forgotten something important, which i probably have. but it hangs over me like a spike, ready to come down through my skull. what is it like not to feel that every day? what must it feel like to wake up without this weight on, smothering?

i went to bed at or before 12 last night. i got up at 11:30 this morning and it's 12:30 now. i've been up an hour and i still feel wound up tight. argh!

i'm going to stare at the xmas tree now for a while. meditate on why i didn't put any ornaments on it this year.

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