Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

sunny and mild

deep breathing and trying to meditate haven't worked, so i'm going to try to write through my anxiety.

point one - waking up. another trial today. felix was curled up with me and the time to the alarm was counting down. i set the alarm ahead an hour to give me an extra bit of time sleeping. woke up a half an hour before it was set to go off and got up, not wanting the panic that comes with the damn alarm going off.

point two - going to shrink appointment tomorrow with doc. nervous about getting there. nervous about fighting with doc. will make a concentrated effort to keep my mouth closed and peace in our time. never been to this doctor's office before. they keep moving offices. i am reminded again that i need to learn to drive the scooter. it's a straight shot on the roads. it's just when you get the buses involved that things get ugly. i'm glad doc is going with me, but again, afraid of fighting with him.

point three - i feel like there's something i should be doing. and there are many things that need to be done, but i've been using my pre-doc hours as decompression time and doing my chores after he leaves in the evening. so there's the guilt of just sitting here, but there should be no guilt with it.

on the up side, i'm feeling less and less sick. and i didn't get any extra sleep this weekend. unless you count this morning's stolen two hours.

i feel so tightly strung. like you could bounce a quarter off me and i would implode. my hands are shaking, i have the cold sweats. this gets old. only a few more minutes before the xanax should start taking effect. then that feeling of doom will hopefully leave me. as well as the feeling that the top of my head is going to pop off and spill out all the darkness from my head in a torrent of panic.

i've been having good luck with deep breathing during panic attacks. it just wasn't working today. i kept hyperventilating. not the result i was looking for. physical panic to go with the emotional. good job, cyd.

it's finally starting to work. i'm starting to calm down, my chest is loosening and my heart isn't beating so hard. Doctor Who is on, and that is helping. something to distract me. get me out of my own head. that's what i like about tv. when i can watch it. it's on all the time but i spend so much time just staring off into the distance, now at the xmas tree. i could stare at that for hours. i need to decorate it, but the lights are on it for now and that is enough until i get some ornaments on it.

jack and felix are chasing each other around and running into and up on furniture. it's funny but scary to be in the middle of. you never know when you're going to get your head launched off of. and do not doubt, there will be claws involved. really, though, it's worth it to watch them bounce around like kittens.

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