Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

heading for a warm up

it will be in the mid 60s in the next few days. warm enough for the cats to get some porch time. at night it's been down to freezing, cold enough to keep felix from spending most of the evening on the porch.

i'm in a state of panic right now and i can't figure out why. i took a second xanax to calm me down for when doc gets up. he's been listening to what i'm doing and watching me and he's making me nervous. i've decided to combat this by trying to keep him in my sights whenever possible. but, like the other day, he'll lay in bed and listen to what i am doing out here. i was emptying the dishwasher the other day and i hear his disembodied voice say, "wash your hands". and as i washed my hands i had to wonder if it really happened. i hear voices, that's what i do. but i listened to this and did what it told me without thinking or even deciding if it was real. and when he silently appeared, watching me make coffee a few minutes later, he scared the piss out of me. that's what triggered the big panic attack that he ended up staying home to wait out. and he still has no idea. i feel like i can't talk to him about it. i can't talk to him about anything. when i do speak first, i'm damn lucky if he even responds to me.

time to go wake him up. and be forceful this time. i gave him an extra hour and a half. time for him to be up.

have a great night.

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