Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

cold enough to keep felix in

i've decided to speak only when spoken to. except when i talk to kelli on the phone. there are a lot of reasons for this and i've given it a lot of thought. i don't think doc will notice, i don't talk a lot as it is. too often the voice i hear coming out of my mouth is my mother's and i can't stand it. there are so many things i want to say and can't it's just best i don't speak. doc is the only person i really talk to aside from kelli and i just don't want to talk to him anymore. i'm so tired of him. i'm so over "us", whatever that ever meant.

i've also given that a lot of thought. i'm tired of always begging for his attention. i don't mind doing what i'm told to do, it isn't worth arguing over to me. i just don't want to talk about it anymore. any time i speak he finds in it an event to blame me for something and that gets really wearing. how many ways can i say i'm bored with it? bored with the petty arguments that seem to break out simply because we have no one else to argue with. i'm tired of having to think so hard before i say anything about the way i phrase it or what it's about that it just isn't worth it anymore.

like shaving my head, one less complication in my life. that's really all it's about. complicated is bad. so is change, but i'll get used to the xmas lights i put up outside tonight. but back to complicated, why do things have to be so? at this point it can't be my illness that's making him miserable, it's the way he's dealing with it. i'm sure he would disagree with me, but that's what he does.

i haven't gone to chat in a while. i think it was that whole thing, the whole drama going on that i didn't want to be and wasn't a willing part of, that started me thinking about not talking. people need to think about what they're saying and why.

i watched the new Top Gear on History channel and they missed the mark. they copied everything down to naming their driver the "Stig", but they don't have the humor factor that their british namesake has. and without that it's just a kind of good car show. i hope they give it time to maybe get the chemistry right with the three hosts. kelli said it's going to be on sunday nights which is cool, since we all know i need a reason to like sundays.

actually, i'm kind of impressed, i made it this far without even coming close to going mad. it's after one in the morning and i plan to go to bed at two. go me. this post has taken a lot of time to write. and i got through the day by watching an NCIS marathon. tomorrow i have netflix to watch, which if i don't do soon, i've a feeling doc is going to cancel the account. plus i wrote up a big ol' list of chores to do. and late night when i have to be quiet and can do none of these things, i will have late night tv to watch. so i'm set for monday. and i'll likely be going in for a root canal this week, i'll know more about that tomorrow. it will be my first opportunity of the season to wear my old leather jacket that i've been too fat for.

time to go take my meds and spend my last half hour or so awake burning incense and chilling out. i have to put myself in the right mindset for sleep. i can't just go in and lay down anymore. i have to chill myself out before i can go to sleep.
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