Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i've said it before, but fall may be here

i woke up this morning thinking it was tomorrow, and i woke up 15 minutes into my appointment at the dentist. i quickly realized it was only sunday and relaxed. i still got up, the adrenaline was flowing by then and there was no point in staying in bed. doc was still up so i got to hang out with him for an hour or so until he went to bed. no panic attack this morning. there was a morning last week where i got up long after doc was asleep and i still didn't have a panic attack. i don't know what's different in the mornings. but i'll take it. and i'll keep doing everything the same.

i forgot to ask doc to help me get the happy meal toys out. and i need clothes. my only pair of pants is falling off of me and i need new underthings. can't get clothes until i sell the toys. can't sell the toys until i get them out. can't get them out without doc's help. if he takes an extra day off this week, i'll have him help me then. if not i'll wait until thursday. i can do research in the meantime.

we started to get into it this weekend. but he put a stop to it. he was bitching at me about something i was doing wrong to myself and i asked him why he cared. that by his own admission he no longer cares about or loves me so why did he care so much about what i did to myself? he told me i was changing the subject, which i guess i was, and stopped talking to me for a half an hour. i still want the answer to that question, he can't have it both ways. he can't make me feel like shit about everything. there has to be someplace for me to go. so i eat 2 hours after i take my meds and he wants me to eat when i take my meds. so i tell him i will put off taking my meds for two hours until i'm ready to eat. that is unacceptable to him, he tells me i need my meds as soon as i get up to calm me down. so i must eat when i get up and he doesn't care that it makes me sick to eat that soon, that's not his problem. which is what led me to the, "why do you care?" question. the whole conversation was a waste of time for me. i took my meds when i got up and waved the goddamned yogurt in his face as i left the kitchen with it after i took my pills. pain in my ass. he won. he always does.

my theory is that i'm the only part of his life that he feels he has any control over. so he exerts that control whenever the opportunity presents itself. it may be bullshit, and he would definitely say it was. but it's the way i feel looking at it outside of his life. inside, i don't want to know what it looks like.

i ended up with two western bacon cheeseburgers this weekend. i ate one fresh and had the other yesterday as my main meal. they were so good. i've had enough of those to last me a while. i know next weekend i'll be craving pizza. but i only like it from pizza slut and only pan pizza. though they never put enough cheese on. even when you order extra. but i love it just the same.

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