Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

indian summer begins

no panic this morning. i type to you with non-shaking hands. let's see what happened differently . . .

i woke up to doc putting the daily show on. he was still awake and talkative so we talked about stuff for a while. i was going to sleep more but i slept all day yesterday and went to bed at 3:30am so i decided to get up. i stood and talked to doc for a bit, got him a cigarette and let him go to sleep. then i came out here to the living room, M was still sleeping so i was quiet. i smoked a couple of cigarettes and took my meds.

doc seems to be the key to my waking up not in a panic. i wonder if i should get up earlier in the morning so i can talk to him and spend an hour with him. that's something to seriously consider. i like the way i feel today. waiting for the xanax to kick in, but not desperately looking around for something to distract me until it does.

i need to vacuum the living room and wet vac a spot on the rug. that's the total of my tasks today. then i can lay down and sleep on the couch if i want to. i did that yesterday. got up at noon and brought my blanket and pillow to the couch. once doc went to bed i slept on and off all day. i woke up at 7 all discombobulated and again, panicking. i got over that and woke doc up with fresh coffee an hour later.

doc wiped out on the scooter yesterday. there was a wet spot in the parking lot he was in and it took him down. his knee, which he landed on, is all swollen and ugly looking. i waited on him last night, happily. i hate it when he hurts, he doesn't complain so it's hard to keep in mind why he can't get his own coffee or make his own chicken nachos. but i did and was happy to help him and make him hurt less. during one of these times of forgetting he was in pain, i asked him if he would get coffee and cigarettes while i was asleep and he just gave me the stink eye. he pointed out i wasn't giving him much of a choice, and i told him it was on him if he had no coffee this morning and i could walk up and get my own cigarettes. we agreed that was the plan.

then this morning as we were talking, my first question was about where the cigarette money was. he told me in his bag were cigarettes and coffee. i was overjoyed, i don't mind walking to the corner store, but it is stressful on me to leave the apartment complex. and as i only had three smokes left, it would have meant an immediate trip upon getting up, which i was not looking forward to. but trip canceled by thoughtful husband. he said his knee started to feel better and he decided to go for a ride. he said something about getting blueberry pancakes and i could look forward to making him those when he got up. then we had the repeated conversation: i don't like pancakes. never have. french toast? ok. waffles? goodie. pancakes? pass. but i'll make them for him.

then i'll make cheese tortellini for myself for dinner. part of doc's "buy what she'll eat, just get her to eat" program. he's not as worried about what it is, as long as i'll cook it and eat it. he said he wasn't bringing any "easy" food home anymore. western bacon cheeseburgers, burritos, the kinds of things he can buy two off and i can reheat one the next day. we'll see how long that lasts. he got me pizza monday night and i ate for three days on that. it would have been more but he had a couple three slices himself. so, cheese tortellini with white sauce for dinner and the leftovers will feed me for three more days. that to me is easy food. just one day of cooking.

how come the 45 minutes between half smokes is so hard to bear during the day but gets easier at night? i've chain smoked five or so smokes today. why is the daytime so damn slow?

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