Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

70s today, no chance of rain

my main stressor right now is running out of ice. the ice machine can't keep up with me. and why is it freaking me out so much? i woke up at 10 in the usual panic. i've cleaned the litterbox, taken out the trash, gotten the mail and cleaned the kitchen and got the coffee ready to be made. and i'm frozen in my seat. and not even that comfortable. i'm trying not to chain smoke. counting the minutes down every half an hour until i can have another half cigarette. i feel very desperate right now.

i have a cat puke stain to clean off the couch and vacuuming to do. a half an hour's worth of work. then i just sit here more. just sit and sit and sit. watching the fireplace and listening only halfway to the tv. sitting. and smoking every half hour. drinking brita water and consuming ice. yeah, i feel pretty worthless today. it will pass. it goes in cycles and i'm just at the bottom right now. it won't last long. i'll feel better when i get the puke off the couch. hell, i feel better just having my half of cigarette just now.

i can't decide whether to make coffee or not. i may as well just do it and make more for doc later. i keep a fine balance of chemicals in my body. coffee doesn't make me nervous or jittery, it just makes me alert. same with the diet pills. which doc says i'm not allowed to take at night anymore to keep me awake so i get a decent night's sleep. i swear to god he makes it harder and harder on me. though i am glad he got me off the OTC sleep meds. cold turkey, that. i still wish i could take them but he's right, i take too many pills. but most are my meds. i can't very well take fewer of those. i know he doesn't expect me to, and all it really comes down to is me eating more. which reminds me, i need to eat.

boston cream yogurt and coffee. things are starting to look up. see, i told you i'd start feeling better. fine balance of chemicals. caffeine is an integral part of that. i should go do my remaining chores, so i can take a small nap if the coffee doesn't do it's thing.

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