i'm so lonely and i don't know how to fix it. it's hard to make friends when i don't go out. and the one friend i was making got freaked out by me last new years when i came over and was all freaked out and anxious. i rely entirely on kelli and doc for external stimuli. i know i don't make friends on here because i am too needy and i let all my weaknesses show. i must seem a mess to outsiders reading in. and i can't help that. i promised myself ten years ago i would be honest on here and i always try to be. it makes me seem weak and crazy and having too much baggage to be friends with.
but i really crave a normal life with going out and meeting people and having fun. i miss the double down saloon like mad, and just wish i had someone to go back there with. maybe when i can drive the scooter, i can go on my own. i promise if i'm your friend, i won't put my baggage in your car. i'll keep it to myself. i can be a normal person, i've done it before.
now i just sound pathetic. onwards.
i stayed up until 3:30 last night and woke up at 10:30. that to me is a good night's sleep. i woke up rested and refreshed and pleased with life. felix was curled up with me, doc was barely awake in the bed next to me. no venture brothers. i adore him sometimes. the little nice things he does for me make me feel loved. it doesn't matter that he won't say it. okay, maybe it matters a little and that's why i keep bringing it up. it would be nice to hear him say he loves me, of course. doesn't everyone want to hear that they're loved? especially if they're living with a spouse that obviously does love them.
M has been on the phone with the cable company all morning trying to get the internet to work. i was going to go into chat today for a while. i hope the internet comes back on soon. i haven't been in chat for almost a week. there is some sort of drama or war going on over there that i'm trying to avoid getting anywhere near into. i don't like drama, it's disruptive to a healing atmosphere, but in a way we are all in a big hospital and crazy people clash. that's all there is to it.
a week from now it's supposed to be in the 80's. fall is coming, summer just had to have the last word. i'm looking so forward to fall because i want to start pushing myself to go out. i still have a $20 gift card from dollar tree i want to spend. i also need a new brush from walmart. and other outings, i don't know yet what, maybe down to the strip for some photography. i'm just waiting for the weather to cool down. i've given up on the scooter, doc doesn't seem any closer to teaching me to ride it, let alone taking me out on it. so i've just given up on it. if it happens, it happens.