doc put a new lightbulb in a small perpetual light we have, so the front corner of the living room is illuminated. this small change has thrown me off all day. i'm in a low level state of panic all day. i ate some yogurt this morning when i got up and had coffee. got the standard lecture about living on no food and just meds and coffee. i got the same thing yesterday from kelli. she told me i wasn't fooling her, that she's known me too long and not to make her come out and kick my ass. i then pointed out she was out of vacation days. ha. so i'll have a banana in a few minutes when i take another xanax. doc also got me some little debbie peanut butter bars to snack on. and blueberry muffin bread. he's trying to get me to take in more than 150 calories a day in something else other than sweetened coffee.
even i admit now that i am losing weight too quickly. and the fainting has to stop. oh, doc got orange juice too. and i have a powerade. he got a lot of stuff for me at the store this morning. i'm kind of surprised. usually he tries to make me eat his stuff, berry pies and apple juice and such that i don't really like. and if i don't like it i won't eat it. sometimes even if i do like it i won't eat it. i only had one portion of the brownie fudge ice cream he brought home and we had caramel sauce to go on it. i totally forgot about it until i went to get some today and it's gone now. i had a week. and now i'm craving ice cream of course. i could always dip my banana in the caramel sauce, heh. no, that is just plain wrong. i could eat some nutella with the banana, though. that sounds like a good idea.
it's all about food. every discussion turns to it, it seems. and to be honest i just don't think about it unless my stomach is growling or i'm feeling sick. if neither of those things happens, i simply don't think about food.
yesterday on chat, this very young anorexic girl cornered me and i chatted with her, thinking i could get some insight into her disease and the delusions she is under that feed it. but i got nothing. i was warned afterward that she did that to everyone as a bid for attention. it was really discouraging because i did try to talk to her and help her, but she was talking in circles. there's a reason other than not being fat that she is doing this to herself, but she won't say it or get help for it and she's just going to fade away and die. at least that is the story she is telling. and i don't like giving attention to people who are desperately seeking it out of some sick need. i'm interested in helping people in crisis and bad days. not feeding someone's ego and being made to feel sorry for them.
that's really the first negative experience i've had with this chat. and it wasn't all that bad, just a half an hour i'll never get back and likely forget all about. most times it's all good, even, well especially in the support room. like i've said before, i love it because it's such a caring environment. it's nice that a doctor took the time to build a site of bulletin boards and live chat. he actually has group chats once a week. i find it all very impressive. and safe. they screen the first few comments or posts you make to the bulletin boards and you can't chat until you've made a certain number of posts. it pretty effectively keeps out trolls. i have yet to run into one.
since i'm feeling so talkative today, maybe i'll go into chat for a while today. nothing good is on tv . . . may as well, right?