my feelings are in touch with me but i'm not in touch with my feelings. i tried to take an inventory of what i was feeling this morning and i couldn't do it. i came up with sober and anxious. so i took my morning meds to calm the anxiousness. sober isn't something that should even be on my mind. i can't stop thinking about it.
how do i feel now? sad, doc chastised, no, he yelled at me this morning. we're out of smokes so i traded some extra xanax and five bucks for two packs from M. apparently a big no no, he actually got out of bed to come yell at me about it. so i gave back one of the packs and got the five bucks back. problem solved. part of me can't wait until three, when doc is supposed to get up. but part of me is dreading it. i never know what mood he'll get up in. and he should be sleeping in today, but he has a meeting at three so he has to be up. then he's going up the big hill to get a carton of smokes. i think he's mad at me because i smoke a pack a day and he smokes considerably less. of course he does, he's in work ten hours a day and commuting three more. and then he's up for a couple of hours. when does he have time to smoke?? rarr. all i do is sit and consume, yeah yeah yeah. and the hour i spent ironing the shirts of a man who can't even bring himself to hug me counts for nothing. i call shenanigans.
kelli was telling me about some of the paintings at the three rivers arts festival in pittsburgh and i wish i could be there to see them. i miss the arts festival. part of me misses pittsburgh. not the snow, definitely not the snow. but the rain. not the humidity, either. pittsburgh would be a great city if it was in a more habitable clime.