i talked to kelli about going back on haldol, i miss the sleep and i'm frankly sick of being so alert and bored. and long story short she talked me out of it and reminded me it would probably push doc over the edge. she had a hard time dealing with me on a once a week basis. imagine what living with me was like, with me as a zombie, incapable of the simplest things. no, that's not a place i want to go back to. doc says i sleep too much as it is, but if i didn't sleep to kill time, i would go mad. madder.
part of me wants to go off my meds completely, which i know i won't do. the pristiq is keeping me going and the xanax keeps me from going over the edge.
it's no wonder doc doesn't trust me and doesn't love me anymore. a year of me being as good as dead, completely worthless as a human being to him and to myself and to the world. i would be traumatized if i'd been in his shoes. i need to be more sensitive to him.