Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

i feel stormy today

doc's new schedule starts tonight. he's asleep right now. i have to wake him up around 2:30pm. i got up at 9am. i didn't need a xanax to cope this morning so i just now took my day meds. it's nice not to need them first thing, to be calm enough to cope and clean the kitchen and make coffee and relax and just be up and glad it's a new day. i like that feeling, i had that this morning.

now i've moved on to full freak out mode. the meds have been taken and i'm waiting for the xanax to take effect and put me a bit more at ease. i keep clenching my jaw and not realizing it until it hurts. i'll be glad in a half an hour when that's gone.

it shouldn't be any more traumatic for doc to go to work at 7pm than when he did at 1pm. i'll just be asleep for most of his shift and sleeping time. that's what he told me to think about and that is what i'm focusing on. i can stay up late if i want and that will lead to sleeping in more. i keep thinking that if i didn't wake up so early and have to lay in bed wide awake or get up and be super quiet, i won't wake up in such a panic. i won't have the alarm clock at my head anymore, hanging over me, waiting to make my heart jump. that should be good.

and finally, i hope that this will help me with my evening naps, which i want to eliminate. i slept for over 5 hours last evening, so even though i didn't go to sleep until three, i woke up at 8 unable to get back to sleep. then doc came to bed and wanted the stereo on so he could sleep to his venture bros. tape, not unreasonable, i'm the same way. but then the snoring started. and though i took that opportunity to turn the stereo down, i couldn't for the life of me get back to sleep. i just want to stop sleeping in the evenings. i miss my favorite shows and it gets in the way of my nightly sleep. hopefully with doc leaving about 5-5:30pm, i will be awake and alert and stay the fuck awake so i can go to bed when craig ferguson is over and stay in bed until fraiser comes on at 10am.

so my mind is going back and forth and today seems cloudy and a bit dark. having written it all out, i don't feel so stormy anymore. i'm afraid of change, but when it comes, i always adapt. and today is adaptation day.
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