i asked him a few weeks ago what i could do to make him love me again and he said, "recover". so i've been on a campaign to get better and have actually started to look for things to do and clean. occasionally he finds something gross first and i just redouble my efforts. i even suppress any anger i feel at him until it goes away. i snapped this weekend during a three day psychotic episode and yelled at him, but we were fine an hour later. he got over it i guess and so did i. finally i worked through the episode and many things got cleaned. yesterday i was almost frantic, doing anything i could find to do. today i have nothing on my list, i did it all while he was still home, so i'm going to find something in the kitchen that needs a good sorting or scrubbing.
felix has all but stopped hanging off the stucco of the wall. yesterday he was in a pigeon frenzy with jack, after watching the sky rats out the bedroom window and i almost water sprayed him off the wall. in a bad way. he got down quickly and i shut the bedroom window to stop the frenzy. today he's been my shadow except for when i vacuumed and been on my lap whenever possible. now i'm just sitting here watching kitchen nightmares on BBCamerica.
i think that it might have something to do with my recent hatred of cooking lately. i watch gordon ramsey's shows whenever i can and i watch anthony bourdain's show on the travel channel, but nothing either of them eat or cook appeals to me, i'm not adventurous taste-wise anymore and i have absolutely no ideas when it comes to putting ingredients together. i'll make mac and cheese and enchiladas, but that's all i'm really interested in. i'm not particularly into meat, though i'm nowhere near a vegetarian.
i finally cut my nails off so i can type and enjoy it again. oh yeah.
my best friend told me she is proud of me yesterday and i almost started weeping. i just don't get that from doc. it's never enough yet. it will happen. but back to my best friend being proud of me. because i try to leave the house to take out garbage or get the mail every day and i've been dealing with the office and maintenance and the other keep-myself-occupied projects. it meant so much to me that someone gave a shit. it sucks, what's going on with doc.
i think that's why i'm feeling so sunny and mild today. plus i slept until my alarm went off. the extra time with doc was nice. if he stays home the entire day, we get lazy and sick of each other.
i have to get up, i can't sit here on the couch anymore. i have hot sauce and ketchup packets to sort out and remove dust from. i will get this apartment cleaned and organized, i'm all spring cleaning determined.
have a nice day, or night or whatever.