Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

"i wanna be haunted by the ghost . . ."

jeff is haunting me. his memory, that is. i'm not talking about taking the ouija board and start asking questions kind of haunting. i can't stop thinking about him. i'm never good with death but this is ridiculous. i keep thinking of things to ask him, ways to get a hold of him and it's TOO LATE.

our friends are all feeling a bit of guilt for not dragging him out of the woodwork sometime in the past ten years, but it went by so fast and we all made our efforts.

i guess i'm still mainly in denial with a foot in anger. mainly angry at myself for the above reason. bargaining, depression and acceptance should be interesting.

it's like i want the universe to understand what he meant to me. but there's a lot of us that feel that way, we all have these magnificent set of memories uniquely ours that makes each of us valid sisters in grief. we all had these fabulous friendships with him. we are all missing him in our own ways that are just as intense for each of us.

i have a poem i wrote him some 20 years ago. i should find it, i can't even remember any of the words. the night i wrote it i wrote one of my favorite poems ever and the memory of it all is dominated by that. what a strange nonsequitor that became.

the rain has left off. the Big Dirt Hill is a dark brown from being soaked. we're supposed to get another storm tonight, it is in CA right now.i'm a weather junkie. it takes me out of the devastating goings on in haiti. there is not a thing that i can do, and i feel macabre watching the footage. so i'm getting into the local weather footage. for example, and this thrilled me, the city was covered in fog this morning. that's another never happen kind of thing. it was so beautiful with the stratosphere sticking up out of the fog and the dark outlines of the other hotels on the strip. gorgeous. epic.
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