they called me and woke me at ten, could i come in earlier?
i said, sure, 1pm fine? sure, they said
i woke up fully and called them and said i could make it at noon
they said that would be fine and i got my shit together
keys, mp3 player, off i go at 11 to walk there by noon
i get there at 11:30, they were thrilled
i think they were looking at half a day off
they tried on my machinery, told me not to bite down hard
the teeth were stuck in it with wax
the teeth were a perfect color match to my own, what few were left
then they said they'd call me when the finished machinery came in
i said okay and then they told me that someone was waiting for me
i looked out the window and M was sitting in his car
relieved i wouldn't have to walk home in the heat, i jumped in the car
and i totally forgot the prescription for lortab to keep my still bad
bottom teeth in line, M turned around and i secured the script
the we went to get it filled and get me a couple of teas
arizona raspberry iced teas, two of them
then we ran some errands and i told M that i was looking at
speaking with a lisp once the machinery was put in
while i was wearing it. i could take it out to do podcasts
which i plan to do, along with all the other things i plan to do
i don't perform live anymore so that won't be a problem
and that is the ongoing story of the machinery for my mouth.
i'm still counting days sober, but i quit NA.
not much has changed since, long walk in the heat gone
judgemental group of people, gone
feeling of extreme isolation in meeting, gone
and i tried, i read parts at the meetings
i shared at the meetings
i even lit the candles when it was time at the meetings
spent $5 a week in the basket
had one relapse and admitted to it
collected my keytags, which is what they gave out for days sober
but the walk uphill with a hat on my head making me sweat
and the walk uphill in 104 degrees
by the time i recover from it, the meeting is over
and i'm back in the heat for the downhill long walk home
whatever it takes to deal with the whole thing,
i don't have it, so i've given it up.
i still have the books
i still have the steps
i have the exercises from rehab
i have all i need except transportation to meetings
and a sponsor, i never did get a sponsor.
that was hard because of my psychiatric problems
at least that's what the sponsor-to-be told me
so i said 'fuck it' and quit.
if i want to feel that uncomfortable,
i'll buy a dress and go back to the mormons.