Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

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and again and again

there's nothing wrong with me. it's all in my head. the voices are louder than me. that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. maybe i'm just a little bit wierd. i don't know what i am. it isn't even 10 yet.

we watched May lsat night. a truly psychotic movie. and maybe it wasn't the best time to watch it.

so here's the schedule i'm looking at today:
doctor at 4pm
regular hospital directly after, possible ambulance ride
12 hour wait on a bed in the hallway of regular hospital
transfer by ambulance to the psych hospital after a tox screen and stabalization
one hour check in at psych hospital
no sleep
daytime activities at psych hospital, with interruptions from various departments for interviews, including rehab unit, at which time i will tell them i want to go over there once i am stabalized on the psych side.

three to four weeks away from home.

and i can't take my laptop or my mp3 player with me. i have plenty of books to take and read. i can't take my pens. well, i can take them with me, i think i can have them on the rehab level. so it's golf pencils in my journals.

i put away my bag to pack in, so i guess i'll take my back pack or both messenger bags. i'll go through and make sure i have little to no contraband in them this time. i hate having things taken from me. and by this time i know the drill. the lsat time was the harshest. they took almost everything. but they were cool about it.

shit, i don't want to go. what i want to do is go down all three months of my pills and lay down and go to sleep. what i want to do is shove a qtip into my ears far enough to shut up the voices. what i want to do is rip my flesh until the blood pools.

i need to go. maybe my shrink won't send me. maybe. no. she calls me fragile.

doc thinks this may have been brought on by her leaving the practice and this is my way of freaking out about it.

whatever the reason, i'm in an episode. deep in one. i have to get out and i think i need help.

now i have to go cut my nails.
Tags: head case

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